Thursday, Oct 18th, 2001:
Sara is pretty. I feel emotionally aroused by the thought of her
prettiness. I feel emotionally attached to Sara. Discussed it with Dr.
Gomez after group. Dr. Gomez is Dr. May's co-therapist in our group.
She told me that the feelings I was having are normal. These type of
feelings are bound to come up. It's the nature of Individual therapy.
Very intimate feelings can and will arise.
Thursday, Oct 25th:
Discussed it in group. They hammered me. They said it would be boundary
crossing and victimizing if I told Sara I feel she is pretty. Dr. Gomez
was not in today.
Friday, Oct 26th:
Anxiety, stress, depression 10x worse after talking to group.
Monday, Oct 29th:
Above sooo bad had to bring it up in Individual with Sara. We talked
about the trigger-me needing to tell her she's pretty. Talked about the
fears that kept me from telling her sooner and my hopes. She reiterated
that I'm safe to be as real and up front as possible, she will not
abandon me if I step over the boundaries. She gave me permission to
test the boundaries with her.
In talking about the abandonment insecurities, we discussed
relationships I had in the past. She observed that, in many ways, she
is the "new girl" in my life. She also observed that, in many ways, it
could be seen as a curse. Feelings too close and an axe obliterates the
relationship. It made her day, I told her she is pretty. She thanked me.
I like her. I might even have a crush over her. I will have to bring it up next Monday.
She is going to help me w/my total self. Not just the
anxieties-stresses-depression, but also their triggers. We will work on
My insecurities, securities, fears, hopes, dreams, appropriate boundary
crossings <when or when not to say something to others, abandonment,
and relationship issues.
Wednesday, Nov 14th:
Had flattering/complimentary fantasies of wish/dream to share hug with Sara.
From: "Sara"
To: jd@jpassociates.com
Subject: Re: Merry Christmas from JD
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 19:16:36 +0000
Hi JD!
Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very nice. I got your
phone message Monday night and am sorry to hear that you are sick - I
hope you feel better soon! I got to Minnesota fine, although it
was a long drive! I have just been visiting with my family and
watching my little sister and brother play basketball. I hope
everything is going well for you and I will talk to you soon!
~Sara
>From: jd@jpassociates.com
>Reply-To: jd@jpassociates.com
>To: Sara
>Subject: Merry Christmas from JD
>Date: 19 Dec 2001 07:39:11
>
>Dear Sara,
>
>JD has sent you a greeting card from 123Greetings.com, a FREE
>service committed to keep people in touch.
>
>To see your greeting card, choose from any of the following options which
>works best for you.
From: "Sara"
To: jd@jpassociates.com
Subject: Re: Happy New Year from JD
Date: Wed, 02 Jan 2002 18:26:30 +0000 Mime-Version: 1.0
Thanks JD! I think you are beginning to have a really good
understanding of why talking about our relationship is so
important! I truly enjoy our sessions and look forward to seeing
you on Monday! Happy New Year to you to, I hope it is a
great year for you! ~Sara
>From: jd@jpassociates.com
>To: Sara
>Subject: Happy New Year from JD
>Date: 01 Jan 2002 4:4:40
>
>Dear Sara,
>
>JD has sent you a greeting card from 123Greetings.com,
>a FREE service committed to keep people in touch.
>
>To see your greeting card, choose from any of the following options
>which works best for you.
Date: Tue, 08 Jan 2002 10:17:31 -0700
From: James Falknor <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: our next session
Sara, my friend-therapist,
Our next session lands on the 21st. That is a holiday. MLK, Jr. Day. Will the center be open?
Below are links to the articles that I referred to yesterday. I chose this method after reviewing Hotmail's FAQ and found
that there is a file size limit.
Thank you for saying yes to staying in touch after you leave in August.
Talked to Peter last night, he says that I do get angry at him. Or, at least that is the way it appears to him.
Have an idea for some future session. Push my anger button. Spring
it on early in a session so that before the end of the session you can
assure me that whatever you used isn't for real.
Have a safe and productive trip, call you Monday around 4:00pm,
J.D.
Date: Wed, 09 Jan 2002 13:21:27 -0700
From: James Falknor <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: anxiety level skyrocket
Sara,
J.D. here.
I'm writing this in hopes it will help bring my anxiety down.
There will be no session on Monday, Jan. 21st. The Center will be
closed for the MLK,JR. Day. I called them today to find out if Medicare
is accepted. As a side question, I asked about the 21st.
My anxiety is skyrocket.
Crisis.... I feel lost, alone, helpless, frustrated, let down,
angry ( I feel torn on this. I sooo much like and care about you and
yet I'm angry at you because I can't reach you in time of crisis. The
anger is tempered only by the knowledge that you said I might not reach
you). I'm crying, moderately hyperventilating. I need your help.
I called and left a message. I really could use hearing from you, somehow-someway.
I guess (tears in eyes) this is an impromptu session.
We have 2 sessions to make-up.
This session has helped. I still need to hear from you.
Good luck on Internship hunting.
With caringness,
J.D.
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2002 01:09:00 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: mad at you
Sara, my friend-therapist,
I'm mad at you. Sad that I'm mad at you, but mad all the same.
I'm mad at you because my anxiety attack on Wednesday never had to happen.
You didn't take my e-mail message from Tuesday morning serious.
You didn't respect me Tuesday.
You didn't trust my concern that I addressed in my e-mail message from Tuesday morning.
You ignored me Tuesday.
No reply to my e-mail message from Tuesday morning.
No reply to tell me you'd look into the matter.
No reply about the "links".
No reply about my idea. ( It can be scrubbed now!)
No reply period.
Sad part of all this, you probably never even checked your e-mail
Tuesday and probably wouldn't have checked your e-mail Wednesday
had it not been for me (in an anxiety attack) leaving a message on your
phone on Wednesday advising you to check your e-mail.
It took an anxiety attack phone call from me on Wednesday for you to respond.
I don't know why I am wasting my time writing this. It feels
useless, even less than useless. It feels like this is just going to be
ignored.
We have some repairs to make to our relationship.
I've lost some respect in you.
I've lost some trust in you.
I still like you.
You're still my friend-therapist. Dare I say, you're still my friend.
Wish you safe travels.
With caringness,
J.D.
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2002 11:35:33 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: trust in need of repair
Sara, my therapist-friend,
I feel sad.
I feel alone. Isolated.
Our relationship is in need of repair.
My trust in you is in need of repair.
I know we can repair my trust in you. I want to fully trust in you again. I hope it doesn't take too long.
I'm going to need some intensive sessions with you A. S. A. Y. G. B. ( As Soon As You Get Back).
I'm going to need some major reassuring from you.
Everything said in the e-mail card still holds true. I care with lovingness in my heart, but it's tainted with broken trust.
Your patient-friend,
J.D.
Fri, 11 Jan 2002 15:06:10 -0700
From: "Sara"
To: jd@jpassociates.com
Subject: Re: E-Card from JD
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2002 22:06:51 +0000
ArrivalTime: 11 Jan 2002 22:06:51.0827 (UTC) FILETIME=[45DEC030:01C19AEC]
Dear J.D.,
I can see the anger and pain you were experiencing and I aplogize
for the role I played in it. I am impressd with your expression of your
anger and with the interpretations you have made since. I care about
you very much as my client and look forward to meeting with you when I
when I get back to Denver. Again, feel free to call my cell if
you feel the need. Talk to you soon! Sara
>From: jd@jpassociates.com
>Reply-To: jd@jpassociates.com
>To: Sara
>Subject: E-Card from JD
>Date: 10 Jan 2002 07:24:25
>
>Dear Sara,
>
>JD has sent you a greeting card from 123Greetings.com, a FREE
>service committed to keep people in touch.
>
>To see your greeting card, choose from any of the following options which
>works best for you.
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2002 19:11:03 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: major cloud of depression
Sara, my therapist-friend,
This will be my last e-mail message until you get home. Writing my feelings is very good therapy for me.
Just after we talked about 4:00pm, I called (about 4:30pm) and left a
telephone message telling you of a depression hitting and asking you to
call back. I really could use some positive news before I go to bed.
I'm sure I'll be talking to you before you get this.
A major cloud of depression has sunk in. I'm crying. I feel sad.
I really don't understand why you allowing me to be there for you is wrong. It feels right to me.
It's not fair to our relationship for it to be one sided like this. I'm
sure you have rough days when you need to reach out to others. I have
no choice but to accept that you can't allow it while you're my
therapist.
Would you accept my offer of me being there for you when you're no
longer my therapist, just my friend? I wish you could have called me
back by now. I really could use hearing your answer instantly. As it
is, I am going to have to wait 'till you call me back. In waiting for
your call back, I am feeling progressively worse with anxiety getting
added into mix with the major cloud of depression.
Signing off for now.
Your friend,
J.D.
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2002 22:21:19 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: ???WHERE IS YOUR RETURN PHONE CALL???
???WHERE IS YOUR RETURN PHONE CALL???
I called you at 4:30pm.
Can't rely on you to return any form of messages!
I'm very angry. Very hurt.
Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002 11:29:43 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: ???you're fired???
Sara,
I don't want to fire you, but 19 hours without a call back is too long.
It may be best if I got a new student therapist.
You are not reliable.
This is how I feel at the present. Maybe it will change if I hear from
you by 12:00pm today. That is in 1/2 hour from now. If I don't hear
from you by then, that's it. It's over.
Wish you could have been more reliable.
J.D.
Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002 13:10:00 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: meeting requested
Sara,
After 21 hours of you not calling me back, I called Mrs. Graves back
requesting a meeting between the 3 of us when you get back from
internship applying. I asked that nothing be done until then, but I did
say in my message that you are
unreliable and that just won't work.
You told me to call because you check voice-mail frequently. That seems
to be a lie. You don't return messages in a prompt fashion. I've lost
all trust and respect in you.
I don't want a new therapist, but what else can I do. Our relationship
has been shattered because of your inactions and unreliability.
I still like you. I just don't know if I can work with you after this. You have a lot of mending to do.
J.D.
Date: Sat, 12 Jan 2002 15:00:55 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: redemption
Sara,
Only way to redeem trust, reliability, and respect in my eyes:
Call me for the next 7 days at lunch time, about 12:00 pm.
If you miss as much as one day, it's over.
I can't take this. My anxiety is skyrocket and so is my depression.
On Monday, you are to call Mrs. Graves with this plan.
On Monday, I will be calling Mrs. Grave as well.
J.D.
Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002 08:37:18 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: poor analytic frame boundaries
>Sara, my therapist,
"Food For Thought" for both of us.
I am aware of what happened.
Poor boundaries. I have some poor boundaries to begin with.
The boundaries of the analytic frame were poorly maintained to some
degree. You allowed the development of a pseudo-normal social
relationship between us, .i.e.; your encouragement to "feel free to
call when I feel the need", you
allowing to be referred to as friend-therapist, your acceptance of
e-mail cards not related to the therapeutic process ( this e-mail is
related to nothing but the therapeutic process ). A therapeutic
misalliance developed within me towards you. I also developed a
pathological parasitism towards you.
To this end I cannot, should not, call you friend-therapist anymore. It was at this point when the boundaries of the analytic
frame were first allowed to be violated. It was at this point too, when the therapeutic misalliance began.
Your client,
J.D.
Reflections
Sara,
First, I wish to say that I have a fonder, more appreciative love for you. Deep inside you're still my therapist-friend.
On with the reflection:
Prior to Monday, Jan 7th:
I had begun to develop a fragile/insecure sibling transference bond towards you. I had develop a deep sibling love for you.
Between Monday and Friday:
A small crisis developed. I first saw the bond breaking. A line of
communication was torn away (e-mail). Separation anxiety began building
up. I learnt of the amount of stress you would be going through while
internship hunting.
On Friday, Jan 11th:
I was in a deep regressive state. Remember the way I told you that I
loved you? In response to your offer to feel free to call you if I
fealt the need, I offered the same in return.
My offer had symbolic meaning behind it;
1. my attempt to keep the bond intact;
2. my attempt to show my love for you.
In your decline of my offer, I read symbolic meaning into it; 1. you rejected the bond 2. you rejected my love for you.
These symbolic rejections hurt me very much.
I became confused, depressed. I needed reassurances, from you, that you
weren't rejecting the bond or my love. I couldn't get those
reassurances. I was in a deep regressive state with heightened
separation anxiety fueled by feelings of rejection. I began acting out
my pain. The bond, shattered.
The pain has been tempered. You showed your love for me when you called
me back on Sunday so that we could "shore up" the boundaries.
I still need to feel the pain, with you, surrounding the perceived rejections.
I deeply believe that my offer could work, if we setup the ground rules for it ahead of time.
I feel very humbled and proud that we have the professional friendship that we do.
With a professional caring love,
J.D.
Since Wednesday Jan. 16th:
Thank you for expressing your discomfort with the use of "phone
session" replacing it with "phone conversation". That was awakening for
me.
There is symbolism here;
The therapy room is where we conduct therapy sessions. In the spirit of
our professional relationship, when outside the therapy room, we have a
professional friendship. We do not conduct therapy sessions outside the
therapy room. Outside the therapy room, we can have conversations about
reflections and awareness's.
Thank you. Thank you for snapping me out of the regressive state I was in. Thank you for helping to realign our relationship.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Jan. 18th, 19th, 20th:
I feel closer to you. I feel an intimacy towards you. I'm having
spontaneous, sexually charged, day-dream fantasies around you. Makes me
uncomfortably aroused. I fear it. I want to run. I want to hide. I want
to hold you. I want to kiss you.
Tuesday, Jan. 22nd:
I feel there is some symbolism in the fantasies, but I'm not certain what.
The sibling transference bond is deep inside. It didn't shatter
after-all. I locked it away. I want to let the bond out. I don't trust
it. I don't want it to hurt me again.
Can I let the bond surface? Can I regress back again? Can I open to the fragile/insecure child within?
In declaring my love for you, the fragile/insecure child within is trying to cling to you. It's trying to hold onto the bond. To
love is to care, to care is to love. I love you. I care about you. Do you love me? Do you care about me?
Wednesday, Jan. 23rd:
I'm allowed to have sexual fantasies. I'm allowed to feel aroused from them. I'm allowed to talk about them.
Thursday, Jan. 24th:
In group today, I fealt a need to work on where in the past I first
learned it was not OK to have or talk about sexual fantasies.
In group today, Dr. May and group say it is inappropriate to tell
you when I have had any sexual fantasies surrounding you, even though
permission has been granted from you, and the fantasies are not the
main issue. They say telling you is crossing boundaries, telling you is
power & control, telling you is lack of impulse control on my part.
Dr. May says that as long as I'm in the group therapy, their boundary
line applies, even in our therapy. He says community safety prohibits
me from talking to you about sexual fantasies that may come up
concerning you. It doesn't matter to them that we established that it
was appropriate to discuss these things in the therapy room and that it
would be inappropriate (if I ever get a job) to tell a co-worker or
some stranger in the streets. They want your boundaries to be in
compliance with theirs.
Dr. May and his new assistant (DU student working on his Doctorate,
his name is Amar) want to talk with you. They don't want me to grow
yet. They want me to continue to fear sexual fantasies. They want me to
continue to fear talking about sexual fantasies. They don't want me to
get healthy yet. They don't want me to learn to safely express my
feelings to the person I'm having the feelings about ( in this case,
you). It doesn't matter that we have established when and with whom it
would be appropriate to safely express my feelings to.
When I first came into therapy with you, we knew that there would
be issues that would fit in both therapies. What am I to do? Not bring
up issues with you or not bring up issues in group. What am I to do,
not be honest. Some issues are important in both therapies.
Dr. May says that telling you my sexual fantasies about you can cause you to become impotent as my therapist.
Saturday Jan. 26th:
MY Sexuality is under attack. Dr. May is the symbolic embodiment of all
the people and events that repressed appropriate expression of MY
Sexuality.
I feel angry towards Dr. May. I feel angrily frustrated. I feel
like he doesn't hear me. He isn't listening. He doesn't understand.
Just like my Dad, baby-sitter, the group home.
You hear me, you listen, you understand ME. Just as my Sister
heard, listened, and understood ME. I'm looking to you as big
sister/problem solver. Help them understand.
We have a professional therapeutic relationship. Sexual
thoughts-feelings-fantasies around you were bound to surface. It is
appropriate, within the therapeutic boundary, for me to express, to
you, sexual thoughts-feelings-fantasies around you. For Dr. May To Tell
Me It Is Not Appropriate To Express, To You, Sexual
Thoughts-Feelings-Fantasies Around You Is Like Telling Me I Must
Repress MY Sexuality. DANGER!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!! If verbal
expression isn't appropriate, then what is appropriate? Repression?
DANGER!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!! Repression could lead to inappropriate
acting out behaviors. I don't feel an urge to inappropriately act out.
I feel an urge to be as vocal as I can. To express vocally.
People and events in MY past repressed MY Sexuality. I'll be hanged
if I'm going to let people in the present repress MY Sexuality. It's
time that I stand-up for myself. The child in me won't put up with it.
I feel scared. Fear of being wrongfully punished. To stand-up to Dr.
May will be like standing-up to all those people and events in MY past.
It's something I must do.
Update:
Today, Monday. Talked w/probation officer. She says appropriateness
depends upon the delivery. She wishes a "pow-wow" with all of you.
Possibly including ME. Idea, is the video tape still around?
Sunday Jan. 27th:
Connected deep-deep inside today. I never lost the Bond for my Sister.
I locked it deep-deep within. When she told me that she was going to be
leaving, I began to cry. Caringly, she told me not to cry. So I locked
it deep-deep away. In locking away the bond so deep, I also locked away
my early stage, fragile Sexuality.
MY sister was my first love. A sibling love. The bond with her was
very- very special. It has guided the type of relationships I have
always sought.
Monday-Tuesday Jan. 28th, 29th:
Reflections on writings from Saturday.
I should not have let group sidetrack me. The defending that I did
in the writing on Saturday was fixated on the same aspect that group
was fixated on and attacked me for. Look what happens when you throw a
sex offender group mentality into the mix. I didn't have a strong hold
on the symbolic feelings of my dreams (I got sidetracked from the real
messages).
To the question: "If verbal expression isn't appropriate, then what is appropriate?"
Answer: Symbolically eloquent writing. There is no need to verbally
express any other sexually-charged fantasies about you, to you. They
can now be contained. They will be contained in writing. I can be just
as expressive in writing, if not more so. The answer was staring me in
the face all this time. I feel rejuvenated.
The physical actions, within the dreams, were the act outs of the
deep intimate feelings, within me, outside the dreams. Has anybody ever
heard the phrase connection of the minds, the souls, the unconscious?
That was the symbolic embodiment of the dreams, feelings of a
connection between our minds, souls, and unconscious. I would never
want a sexual encounter with you. It would absolutely destroy our
relationship. We really do connect at a much deeper level. Brings to
mind the symbolism behind the "Vulcan Mind Meld", a very intimate
connection between 2 minds. This dives into the realm of metaphysics,
doesn't it?
Did I catch a glimpse of sadness in your face when you saw the
tears in my eyes? I sure felt something emanating from you. What were
you feeling at that moment. What did I trigger in you? I'd like to
connect with it.
Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002 17:49:26 -0700
From: "J.D. Falknor" <jd@jpassociates.com>
To: Sara
Subject: I don't get it
Sara,
I don't get it.
Even after your talk with Dr. May, he still insists on a meeting
with you, your supervisor, himself, and Amar. I just don't get it.
Boundaries and victimization. Dr. May is accusing me of violating
your boundaries and victimizing you in the process. Did I? He says that
you have poor boundaries, too. I don t think so. All I see is that he
is trying to impose broad, public boundaries onto a therapy process
that he feels uncomfortable with. For the most part, haven't I kept
within the boundaries that were established when I first started
treatment? Your teaching me to respect and honor personal boundaries.
If Dr. May has his way, I will never develop any healthy relationships.
I will never grow.
On the subject, there was one unspoken boundary. I hope I'm not
victimizing you or crossing boundaries with what I am about to
acknowledge. In your call-back to me last Thursday night, you called
from your home phone. Only way I know
this is because we have Caller ID. That knowledge has been contained
and locked in a boundary with the sign "Do Not Violate. EVER!" I had to
acknowledge the awareness and am seeking praise for having locked the
knowledge where it will
not be touched. Again, I hope I haven't victimized you or crossed your
boundaries for having acknowledge this.
I hate having to fear that anything I say will victimize you and
cross your boundaries. I can't stand having to look over my shoulder
like this. Dr. May is definately acting like my father, baby-sitter,
and group home.
Please write back after you've read this. Let me know your thoughts please.
A new book: Where Therapies Collide
Thank you,
J.D.
Friday Feb 1st:
Received e-mail response.
From: "Sara"
To: jd@jpassociates.com
Subject: Re: I don't get it
Date: Fri, 01 Feb 2002 17:10:56 +0000
ArrivalTime: 01 Feb 2002 17:10:56.0366 (UTC) FILETIME=[697728E0:01C1AB43]
JD, Don't worry, everything is going to be alright. I had a
conversation with Dr. May and we are going to meet towards the end of
February to discuss how we can work together towards the same
goals. We can talk more about everything when I see you on
Monday. Also, on Monday we should have a talk about specific
boundaries which will work to protect our therapeutic
relationship. Have a good weekend and I will see you
Monday. ~Sara
Please don't change the boundaries that have already been established?
I fear that you will change the therapy in it's entirety.
I fear that the openness that was established as being crucial to the therapy will be closed up.
For the first time in ions, I felt free, I felt real, I felt as
though my wings were beginning to grow. Now I feel as though my wings
have been smashed.
Ideas of specific boundaries that will work to protect our therapeutic relationship:
1. Separate the two therapies entirely.
Monday, Feb 4th:
1. Communication Boundaries:
A. Phone Calls:
1. For Non-Emergencies: Call the center
a. miss an appointment
b. reschedule an appointment
c. valid need to get a professional message to you
2. One check in phone call if out of town on therapy day
3. No other calls
Tuesday Feb 5th:
Sara and Dawn have plans for phone conversation.
You mentioned having two sessions the week of Feb 18th. How about Monday, Feb 18th and Friday, Feb 22nd . This way, on
Friday, Feb 22nd, we can discuss the results of the meeting. I do not need any surprises while you're gone the week of Feb 25th. If we cannot meet on Friday, Feb 22nd,
please call me either Thursday evening after 5:00 pm or sometime Friday
to talk about the results of the meeting between You, Dr. May, and my
Probation officer from Thursday, Feb 21st. I will need to know.
Strong need to connect emotionally. Where does it come from? Feels
like it comes from an early place in my life. I seem to have always
been able to pick up on emotions emanating from people very close to me.
Wednesday - Sunday Feb 6th - 10th:
Professional Message left for you at center:
Sara,
Very Important!
Could you please call me sometime today, Wednesday, Feb 6th,
with results of the phone conversation you had with Dawn on Tuesday.
Any new awarenesses are very important for the meeting I have scheduled
with Dr. May for this Thursday.
I didn't think to ask you this in our session on Monday.
If I miss your call, is there a phone number I can call you back at?
Thank you.
Your client,
J.D.
Phone:xxx-xxx-xxxx
Your Reply:
"We'll Discuss it On Monday"!!!
You intentionally
replied uncaringly, insensitively, unprofessionally, disrespectfully,
harmfully, hurtfully, spitefully, hatefully, and cruelly just to
provoke my anxieties!!!
!!! I HATE YOU SARA !!!!
I left you a professional message requesting information regarding
me. Information that I am entitled to. I gave two reasons validating my
request. I was following the proper channel of communications as we had
discussed on Monday. No calling you direct and no e-mails. You
disrespected me with your reply. I am entitled to request information
you may have, regarding me, as long as I make that request in a
professional manner. That is what I did.
You know how stressful this whole situation has been for me. Why did you have to go and make it worse?
You disrespected my message. You disrespected Me.
Do you like it when messages of yours are disrespected. Do you like being disrespected?
Your accusation about me "wanting to know what Dawn had said" was
out of line. I wanted no such thing. Further disrespecting Me. I was
requesting results (solutions) that the two of you may have come up
with as those results (solutions) pertain to me.
Wednesday Feb 6th:
I left you a very important message through the center. The message was
a follow-up regarding certain topics lightly discussed on Monday. I
specifically requested results (solutions) from yesterdays phone
conversation you had with Dawn. I had very good reasons to discuss the
results(solutions) today. I left a proper message.
I gave two reasons validating my request. You disrespected the first
one with your reply. They both illustrated that the request was
follow-up to topics lightly covered on Monday.
1. First Reason:"Any new awarenesses are very important for the meeting I have scheduled with Dr. May for this
Thursday."
Topic on Monday: I have meeting with Dr. May this Thursday
Follow-up To Topic: New awarenesses very important for meeting this Thursday
2. Second Reason:"I didn't think to ask you this in our session on Monday."
Topic on Monday: Phone conversation Planned for Tuesday
Follow-up To Topic: Request Results (solutions) from conversation
!!! Again, you intentionally replied uncaringly, insensitively,
unprofessionally, disrespectfully, harmfully, hurtfully, spitefully,
hatefully, and cruelly just to provoke my anxieties!!!
I went ballistic, again.
I cancelled my meeting with Dr. May for Thursday and rescheduled the meeting for next week.
Thursday, Feb 7th:
Spoke with Dawn briefly this morning. Asked her about results from
conversation. She replied "We haven't talked yet". She advised me that
the two of you kept missing each other.
She also advised me that the two of you are quite busy. She further
advised me that I will be apprised of the results of the conversation.
Dawn's reply was very professional.
You could have professionally replied:"We Haven't Talked Yet"
instead of replying with the unprofessional, anxiety provoking, cliff hanging:
"We'll Discuss It On Monday"
!!! I HATE YOU EVEN MORE SARA !!!
Girl(I'm purposely disrespecting you by using "Girl")! You need to
learn some professional communication skills. You need to learn how to
reply to professional messages according to their contents.
Thursday, Feb 7th:
late morning:
Found out from My Mom late this morning that the two of you talked
yesterday while I was in my room reading "The Hobbit". She told me that
you and I have some issues to resolve on Monday. She told me of your
accusation as to my purpose for my request. That shows me that you
misunderstood the message entirely. I knew I should have dropped off a
copy for you at the center instead of leaving a phone message.
Thursday, Feb 7th:
To Dr. May;
I ask for a truce.
I ask that you refrain from further judgement until your meeting with
Sara and Dawn. If you still feel the way you do after the meeting then
it is your opinion.
I ask that you respect me. I feel that you disrespected me by accusing
and judging me without first checking with Sara to get her position on
the matter. You had no justification to accuse me the way you did. You
weren't there.
I expect to be treated with fairness and respect. I feel you did
neither. You became the embodiment of my dad. I lashed out at you for
that.
I lashed out at Dawn for it too. Lashing out at Dawn was very inappropriate.
Maybe the best thing for me to do is keep the two therapies separate as
you and Dr. Gomez had suggested at the beginning. I thought the two
could work hand in hand. I guess I was mistaken.
I too, will refrain from further judgement until the three of you have your meeting.
Sara told me that I could tell you that as far as she is concerned, I
did not victimize her, I did not violate her boundary. This past Monday
(Feb 4th),
with her help I saw that the boundary that was shortened was TIME. She
advised me that most clients do not express their day-dream fantasies
as soon as I have. However, that shows the amount of trust I have in
her. In most relationships I have, I dive in quite quickly. I trust in
the other person quite quickly. The only possible inappropriate thing
was the TIME factor. Even that was a given.
Friday, Feb 8th:
You know full well that your cliff hanger of a reply is anxiety
provoking and you purposely used it any way. FOR SHAME!! FOR SHAME!!
You are never to purposely cause harm to your clients. And yet you did
just that with your anxiety provoking cliff hanger of a reply to my
professional request for information.
Saturday, Feb 9th:
Morning:
I'm finding myself Loving you as much as I Hate you at the present.
We will work this out, somehow.
In the future, how should I professionally go about requesting
information between therapy sessions and expect caring, sensitive,
professional, respectful, non-anxiety provoking, non-cliff hanging
replies?
2. "I understand the reasons for your request, but it is not
appropriate to discuss this until Monday" (Possible Current
Issue)(Might Apply Sara's most popularly used phrase: "We'll Discuss It
On Monday")
3. "I'll have the information ready by date requested"
4. "Soonest I can have the information ready is next Monday"
Afternoon: !!! I Hate Hating You !!! !!! I Love You Too Much !!!
Kind of funny(peculiar) in a way. How can I Love you? I only know you
as my therapist. I don't really know who you are. All I know is that I
care about you very, very much and that, in my book, is LOVE.
Sara,
I need my friend-therapist back. Please stop backing away? I'm stressed
to the hilt. I'm finding myself lashing out. I need your Help! Please?
Saturday-Sunday, Feb 10th: Evening/Night/Day
SARA,
!!! You Have Ditched Our Professional Relationship !!!
??? WHY ???
I understand NO cell phone and partially understand NO e-mail (too
personal of a contact. Border line Unprofessional). But NO professional
phone messages left for you at the center? Since when? I thought we had
a professional relationship. Professional phone messages, through the
proper channels of communication, are within the boundaries of all
professional relationships.
This is insane!
You're acting like a scared rabbit
It's as though you have been intimidated
It's as though you're running for cover
You've done a 180 spin around.
You've gone too far in the other direction. You've put too much distance between us.
You've ditched professional courtesy and respect!
You've ditched all professional channels of communication to you!
You've ditched our professional relationship!
What did I do for you to pull so far away? Can I fix it? I feel so
completely abandoned/deserted by you. You said you'd never abandon me.
I feel so alone. So depressed. No joy. Empty. Bleak. Nothing to look forward to.
Remember: You once said "We have a professional relationship". So let's act like it!
Let us make a pact! Let us not allow ourselves or our professional
relationship be threatened. Let us maintain a professional attitude
outside the therapy room. Let us keep professional channels of
communication open. Let us abide by, and expect from others, the
courtesies and respects given to all professional relationships. Let us
not be intimidated. Let our professional relationship not be
intimidated. Let us have our professional relationship back.
Last week you said:
"Communication doors are to be closed back to the way they were prior to Christmas break".
Prior to Christmas break, I was under the impression that if I needed:
1. To miss an appointment, call the center
2. To reschedule an appointment, call the center
3. To get a non-emergency message to you, call the center
Tuesday, Feb 12th:
You asked me "Why is it not appropriate to hug or kiss?" My reply was
"It is not allowed. The rules say so. We have a therapy relationship
and not a social relationship." I realize that my reply was only half
an answer. I failed to acknowledge and you didn't think to add where
your own personal boundary is on the subject. So I ask, how do you
personally feel about sharing a hug and kiss? If the therapy rules
permitted occasional non-sexual hugs or kisses, for purposes of the
therapy, where would your personal boundaries be on this?
What were you feeling, thinking, experiencing in the quiet minutes
before you asked me "What are you thinking about?" What experiences
were you picking up from Me? Did you wonder why I was holding my lower
lip between my teeth? Did
you wonder what the periodic gaze toward you was about? A few times
that I gazed up at you, you were also holding your lower lip between
your teeth. Why?
Wednesday, Feb 13th:
Hugs and kisses are very primitive ways of expressing love feelings towards another.
Thursday, Feb 14th:
Happy Valentine's Day my Love.
As much as I try, I can't seem to find anything better to describe
the primitive feelings behind the yearning to kiss you. I find myself
dreaming of us kissing. In the dream, we drift closer and closer until
we kiss. Then we slowly drift apart.
Forbidden Love. I seem to always seek that which is forbidden. Hug
and kiss, within the framework of therapy, can unlock the pathways to
the free expression of the emotions beneath the fundamental need to
physically connect. A sunburst of energy emanating from deep within my
heart. What a rush! Experience a deep churning/yearning within. My
whole self stimulated beyond words. Here comes the dream again. It's so
rich in detail and color. In the dream, we seem to be drawn to each
other like magnets. You are My Forbidden Love.
I've fallen in Love with you Sara.
Friday, Feb 15th:
I feel frustrated, sad, angry, angry at self. I'm crying.
Kissing, a fundamental expression of Love, denied to me.
Long ago, I began distrusting those close to me. I pushed their
Love away. I pushed their kisses and hugs away. Then, when I needed
their Love (kisses and hugs included), it wasn't there. I've been
seeking Love from others ever since. I've been seeking kisses and hugs
from others ever since. I seek your Love in the present.
A kiss, within a well defined, well framed, boundary, could help
open the heavily sealed sphere deep within me. This sphere contains
emotions and feelings that I locked and sealed away long ago when I
stopped Trusting, when I stopped
Loving, when I lost affection.
Kiss=Trust Trust=Kiss Trust=Love Kiss=Love
Love=Trust Love=Kiss
I trust you * You trust me * You trust you * I trust me * I love you *
you ?love? me * love me you * love you me * me you love * you me love *
you trust love * I trust love * trust you love * love you trust * trust
me love * love me trust * I love trust * you love trust * you trust
kiss * I trust kiss * trust you kiss * trust me kiss * kiss me trust *
kiss you trust * we trust kiss * we kiss trust * trust we kiss * kiss
we trust * we kiss love * we love kiss * we trust love * love trust us
* kiss trust us *
We Kiss for We Trust Love
Saturday, Feb 16th:
morning:
Sara, my inner child is having intense feelings of affection for you.
I'm scared. As much as I try to deny it, I can't. I'm also having adult
sexual feelings for you. Am I "OK"? My inner child fears my adult
sexual feelings. My inner child fears my adult male sexuality. My inner
child fears my adult maleness. My inner child fears it's curiosities of
my adult me. My inner child fears adult sexual persecution. I trust my
inner child. I trust your sexual feelings. I trust your sexuality. I
trust your femaleness. I trust your inner child. I trust you.
evening:
I got it! I got the phrase to say in place of kiss or hug:
"I'm experiencing feelings of affection for you"
My lady, may I kiss your hand? A kiss on the hand has been
fashionable for over 800 years. Affectionate yet not sexual or erotic
by any means. Very romantic. My inner child desperately seeks to share
a kiss with you.
Maybe in time you'll allow us to share a gentle kiss. Maybe in time
you'll allow us to share a gentle kiss and hug. Maybe in our last
session together in August you'll allow us to share a gentle kiss and
hug. We wouldn't be "breaking the frame", we'd be adding a new
dimension to the existing frame. We'd be adding: Friendship
From:"Sara"
To: jd@jpassociates.com
Subject: Re:Happy Valentine's Day from JD
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002 20:53:53 +0000
Thanks for the e-card JD - I wasn't able to open it on the 14th - probably too many people on the site, but I got on today.
Thank you!
Sara
>From: jd@jpassociates.com
>To: Sara
>Subject: Happy Valentine's Day from JD
>Date: 14 Feb 2002 0:32:7
>
>Dear Sara,
>
>JD has sent you a greeting card from 123Greetings.com,
>a FREE service committed to keep people in touch.
>
>To see your greeting card, choose from any of the following options
>which works best for you.
Sunday, Feb 17th:
Sara, I Love You very, very deeply. My heart is a blaze with My Love
for You. I'm experiencing intense feelings of affection for you, Sara.
I so much wish I could act upon these feelings. They are so gentle.
Thank you for replying to my last e-card. I understood that is what
happened. I was very patient. You see, the e-card company sends a
notice to both the recipient and the sender. Their computers were
overloaded with people trying to view e-cards. I knew you hadn't yet
read it for the company would have sent a notice to me saying so.
Could we please keep e-cards open on a per instance basis? It
wouldn't be cut out entirely and at the same time it wouldn't be a
given either. It would have to be discussed each time. It's cheaper
(it's free) than going to a store and buying a card. Look at it this
way, e-mail is another delivery method for getting a card to you. I
tried your suggestion on mailing one to
myself and printing it. Animated graphics don't print. Above all else,
you've enjoyed the e-cards I have sent and I've enjoyed sending them.
At least our plan is still "on" for us to have an e-mail relationship when you leave in August.
Monday, Feb 18th:
Evening:
I feel calmer. The physical intensities have relaxed ..... yet I still
feel the yearning from deep in my heart to kiss you. The physical
intensities have faded into the background.
It takes a lot of trust and maturity for us to talk about sexuality together.
We had outside contact when we left the center today. I was driving
the red car in front of you when we made the left turn onto University.
I was hoping for you to pass me. I wanted to find out what type of
truck you were driving. You pulled in front of me to head south on
I-25. I got more information than I was seeking.
I'm in the wrong profession. A $49,000+ Cadillac Escalade with
Vanity plate "XXXX X". You can't tell me psychology isn't
profitable, not when you can afford a toy like that.
Tuesday, Feb 19th:
Physical intensities have faded. I'm wondering if my inner child
sexuality and adult sexuality are slowly integrating. In my heart, I
still feel Love for you. We still have the first page to discuss from
Monday.
Wednesday, Feb 20th:
Last night, I had a dream about us. We were (gulp) (nervous to write
this) having sex together. It was affectionate, nurturing, safe, and
loving. This dream was gentle. Oh so calming.
Nervous about "pow-wow" tomorrow. What the hey, nothing will stop us from our therapy on Mondays, nothing.
I feel different. The physical intensities have dropped really low.
Just talking about sexuality with you has done something. I can't quite
describe it yet. It is so relaxing.
I've got it. I've got the picture. I can describe it now.
!!!! I'm Beginning To Trust My Sexuality !!!!
I Trust you with all my heart. I Love you with all my heart.
I feel sexually safe with you. No sexual persecution from you.
You're helping me Trust My sexual feelings for you.
You're helping me Trust My Sexuality.
Insight: Due to kisses and hugs being forbidden/off limits/counter to
what I was taught as a child/sexual as the "Rules" imply, for the past
month my yearnings to hug and kiss you had become sexualized. I must
ask, since kisses and hugs are not sexual for children then how can
kisses and hugs be sexual for adults? Weren't we all children once?
Kisses and hugs are sexual only if you make them so.
Insight: Due to us detouring away from the sexual issues in the
day-dream fantasy a month ago, my feelings for you (both physical and
emotional) became sexualized.
I'm so glad that we finally could talk about sexuality. I'm
beginning to accept adult sexuality. I still have struggles with it.
Some of it I just do not understand. I do not understand the difference
between my inner child sexuality and my adult sexuality. They seem to
be one in the same, with the possible exception of the physiological
differences.
The feelings and emotions appear the same.
I cherish you. I cherish our relationship. I cherish our future friendship.
Saturday, Feb 23rd:
I call a meeting amongst the 4 of us to discuss the unified end results
of the meeting from 2/21/2002. I am asserting myself. I am entitled to
be on the same unified page as everybody else, not three separate pages.
I was entitled to be included in the meeting of 2/21/2002, at some point. I am entitled to this meeting.
You guys aren't supposed to harm me. Yet you did just that by not
including me in on the meeting. You guys knew that my stress and
anxieties were skyrocket on Thursday. The best thing for that would
have been to include me, in some way, in the meeting.
You guys blew it. You guys caused skyrocket anxiety in me and you
failed to remedy it accordingly. You guys owe for 2 busted walls.
I demand the meeting. I am angry!!!!!!!!!! at all of you for not
being more sensitive to my anxieties and taking appropriate steps to
remedy the anxieties.
Sunday, Feb 24th:
Went to the hospital last night. Hand is in a splint and so is my foot. Nothing broken.
I have asserted myself. I have suspended treatment with Dr. May
until the four of us have our meeting. The issues that prompted the
meeting have not been resolved yet.
Issues being:
1. Dr. May falsely accusing me of violating your boundaries
2. Dr. May falsely accusing me of victimizing you
3. Dr. May falsely accusing you, to me, that you have poor boundaries too
4. Dr. May victimized me
5. My distrust in Dr. May
The meeting should have resolved these issues, but it didn't because I
wasn't there. Dr. May owes me apologies for victimizing me. He owes me
these apologies in front of you, Dawn, and myself.
Just as I saw separate Saras, I still see 3 separate pages since
your meeting. I need !!!!! UNITY !!!!!. Where is the unified page?
That's the problem here. I should be on the same single page as the
three of you, not 3 separate pages.
Monday, Feb 25th:
early morning: Talked with
Dr. May. He still claims that I victimized you and violated your
boundaries when I told you of the day-dream I had. He further claims
that I victimized you with the stuff from the Internet, something that,
again, we discussed where the inappropriateness' were. I admitted the
boundary crossing.
I killed the suspension.
Mid-morning: Left message for Dr. May. I've thought it over and
decided to loosen my heels. After-all, he's not saying anything that we
haven't already discussed.
Tuesday, Feb. 26th:
I had my polygraph this morning.
The subject: Have I Stalked You?
The questions:
1. Since August, have I peeped on you?
2. Since August, have I been on your property?
3. Since August, have I been near your property?
The answers:
1. No
2. No
3. No
The polygrapher had questions around number three.
He had no questions about 1 or 2 .
The nearest I have been to your property is while travelling on
University to get to therapy on Mondays. I have purposely avoided your
area ever since I found out where you lived. I have never turned off of
University. I have wanted to. I have been curious. But I have not. WHY
haven't I? It would be suicide. That is what I have told myself. "If I
allow my curiosity to get the better of me, it would be therapeutic
suicide".
I have not used Florida as a short cut since. I used to take
Florida from Monaco to cut over to Peter. Since knowing where you live,
I have been taking an alternate route to Peter.
Now that I know what your truck looks like, I can keep an eye out for it and avoid any place that you are already at.
At no time have I ever meant to stalk you. I wouldn't stalk you. I
respect you too much. I care about you too much. I love you too much.
Wednesday, Feb 27th:
morning:
I wrote a letter to you. I was going to leave it at the center. My Mom
advised me to do so. I chose not to do so. I wanted to but I did not
wish to make you any madder at me than you already will be.
Please don't cut our therapy. I meant you no harm.
evening: Hard not to react preemptively. Oh how much I want to
bring this letter for you into the center. I wish to tell you before
anybody else. I think it is respectful of me to wish to be the one to
tell you.
My friend Peter advised me to drop the letter off at the center for
you. He says that me telling you first is a good idea. You should not
have to hear from anybody else first.
Thursday, Feb 28th:
I had group today. The rift between Dr. May and Myself is slowly closing.
I found out that he put the brakes on the stalking idea. He told me
that Dawn jumped to the idea of stalking and that he put the brakes on
it.
I had no idea that what I was doing was considered stalking. I acknowledge and admit boundary crossing.
I could have asked you for most of that information. I never meant
to go behind your back. I had every intention of sharing whatever I
found with you. I felt proud about what I had found online and wanted
to share it with you. The information helped ground me. You're an
inspiration. You knew what you wanted and went for it. My respect/love
for you soared through the roof.
Remember my e-mail from January 31st? The part about
your home phone. The way I knew it was your home phone was that I cross
referenced the phone number from caller ID with the phone number listed
under whitepages.com. (turns out you're listed in the regular
whitepages phone book too. I'm probably the first client that looked or
the first to admit doing so. No matter what, it was boundary crossing
all the same.) Since January 25th, the nearest I have been
to your property is while travelling on University to get to therapy on
Mondays. That is when I stopped using Florida as a short cut.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday March 1st, 2nd, and 3rd:
Calm sailing this weekend. Uh-oh! "The calm before the storm!"
Tuesday, March 5th:
Did I see some freckles showing through your make-up yesterday or was it just the lighting in the room playing tricks on me?
You've told me when your birthday is, how old will you be ?
Wait a second, let me see if I come close:
Given:
Most schools start 1st grade at 6 years of age.
You graduated H.S. in 1995
1995-2002 is 7 years
Your Birthday is May 10th
YEAR GRADE AGE
1983 / 84 1 6 / 7
1984 / 85 2 7 / 8
1985 / 86 3 8 / 9
1986 / 87 4 9 / 10
1987 / 88 5 10 / 11
1988 / 89 6 11 / 12
1989 / 90 7 12 / 13
1990 / 91 8 13 / 14
1991 / 92 9 14 / 15
1992 / 93 10 15 / 16
1993 / 94 11 16 / 17
1994 / 95 12 17 / 18
18 + 7 = 25
You will be 25 years of age on May 10th, 2002.
That would make you 24 years of age currently.
That would mean that you were born May 10th, 1977.
I would have been 12 ½ years of age when you were born.
I went into the group home 8 months before you were born.
Wednesday, March 6th:
The above was a way to avoid the pain. The intense sadness I have been
experiencing the past couple of days. I am crying both outwardly and in
my heart. Wish you could be here. You felt violated by what I had done
and I hurt. I hurt a lot. Having heard you say that you felt violated
has impacted me something fierce........... For past couple of minutes
I was deeply crying.
Thursday, March 7th:
NO DECEPTION. Those were the results of all three questions. Truthful was the polygraphers comment. I feel vindicated.
Talked with Dr. May today. Can't believe what he was saying.
Such things as:
You were "freaked" out by me going online. You did not tell me so out
of professionalism.......... so on and so forth. He underestimates you
and I take offense to it.
Saturday, March 9th:
Help me, please?? i hurt something fierce........ Deep painful crying.
You said "I felt violated". Not Your boundary, you said "I". i viol....
it's toooo painful. i violated You, not just Your boundaries. Boundary
violations can be repaired. How can i repair my violation of You? i'm
crying again. i hurt that i violated YOU.
i never intended to violate You. The pain, the hurt of me violating You is so intense. Wish You could feel the intensity.
Sunday, March 10th:
I'm sorry Sara for violating you....... here I go crying again.
I never intended for you to feel violated.
The action that brought you back into oneness in my eyes, violated you.
The action that I was so proud of, I'm not proud of anymore.
Wish I had never done it now.
I'm sorry Sara.
Tuesday, March 12th:
Found Peter dead in his apartment.
Wednesday, March 13th:
Thanks for being there.
Thursday, March 14th:
Never realized the number of friends I had. Under valued quite a few people.
99% of them are just phone friends. None that I can do stuff with.
Amar gave me a homework assignment for group:
Identify The Cycle That Violated You and It's Associated Boundary Crossings
Can I have your help with this? I could use your therapeutic analysis.
Sunday, March 17th:
Things seem unimportant. There is a void. Could I be in some sort of depression?
I think so.
I need to revitalize. I would like to somehow find new friends. I
would like to somehow meet people who aren't judgmental. How can I find
new friends like you, Sara? Accepting, forgiving, understanding,
caring, non-judgmental, won't
leave. Where can I find new friends that have these qualities and more?
I feel alone. The loneliness is hitting big. I'm crying....... I hope,
I pray, that you and I will have a "long and winding" relationship. I
hope our relationship turns into a "long and winding" two-way
friendship..........
Thank you for being there for me on Tuesday and Wednesday. You're a
good friend. Hope I can be there for you someday. Hope you can trust me
enough to allow me to be there for you
someday...............................................................
Crying....................... I'm reaching out to you. I'm trying
to fill the void with you. I need
friendship......................................(crying)
.............................................(crying) ..............
...... Crying very deep.....................
Can........ I.... be...(crying)...... Your.........
Friend...(crying)...
Someday??????????............................................(crying)..................
Can you patch the void? Somehow. Therapeutically. I know!
Friendship therapy until I develop the confidence to face finding new
friends on my own.
What is friendship therapy? It is a friendship based therapy
between an existing therapist and client. The therapy is short termed
and is only used after a client has experienced a major loss or trauma.
The therapist and client must frequently analyze the dynamics of the
friendship. The goal is to help the client quickly develop independent
social confidence.
Monday, March 18th:
Morning:
I need to be your friend................. I was Peter's friend. Now
he's gone. I need a new close friend. Only person I trust enough is
you.
Tuesday, March 19th:
Wasn't Freud therapist to his own cousin? Or something like that.
You mean to say there are no exceptions at all to any dual
relationships as far as the center is concerned? Seems kind of cold.
Just like the group home>friendships aren't allowed to develop.
Sometimes the best therapy is friendship.
You seemed frustrated. As though you wanted to do more but "your hands were tied".
I had an idea. I think the idea is dead already.
I'll write it anyway:
Any chance anybody here might trust befriending me?
I think I might already have the answer.
The answer being:
No. Befriending any client is strictly forbidden.
I'm afraid. I don't know how to find new friends on my own. I've never had to.
Wednesday, March 20th:
Shelly flew into town late last night. She is in town to visit with me
and to pick up her mom's car and drive it back to California.
We were going to go to this place that Peter, Shelly, and I used to
go to. I couldn't. My fears and anxieties were through the roof.
Shelley did her best to be there but in the end we strayed into
remembrance land. Even with an old friend, I can't break free. I need
your help. Somehow.
Thursday, March 21st:
I missed group today. I called ahead of time. Shelly will only be in town until Friday.
Realized with Shelly that when I dropped out of the work world 6
years ago, I slowly began to drop out of society. I need your help
dropping back into society.
Friday, March 22nd:
You said that in my session on Mondays, you're there for me. That it is my time.
Then I'd like to occasionally share my time with you. You could be
there for me by allowing me to occasionally be there for you.
Afterwards, we can study how I did. I so much need........ to be a
friend............. Can we be some form of friends???????????
I need your teaching. I need your mentoring. I need your help.
What feelings did I trigger in you the last 2 sessions?
Saturday, March 23rd:
Going to attempt to purchase Paul McCartney ticket/s. Shelly and I saw him in 1993 up in Boulder.
10:05am: Got the tickets. One for me and one in memory of friendships.
Monday, March 25th:
Went to see film at theater yesterday. I saw, "The Time Machine". Much better than the classic version.
Wednesday, March 27th:
This is Private: Not to be shared with anybody except your immediate supervisors
What IF?
You've got to see the new version of "The Time Machine".
I identify with his character.
You know, I am a time traveller in spirit.
Always asking What IF.
Now I understand why I care about so much.
Your IF to my What IF means a lot to me...............................................
Wish I could give you a caring hug and a caring kiss on the cheek..............
You mean a lot to me Sara. (kiss)
I respect your concept, "No new individual friendships with the
opposite gender once boyfriend/girlfriend". "Live your life the way
you'd expect others to live theirs". The reasoning makes a lot of
sense. I can't do anything but respect it. It's so "cool" being that
loyal. It's very admirable.
Insert Optional Side Note
I see yet another reason: You and your boyfriend live together. If
any new friendships develop, they have to be joint friendships. And
that just wouldn't work, now would it. I can just see it. Introducing a
new guy friend to your boyfriend. NOT!
I see yet something else: I'm sure you process with your boyfriend
the different ways your clients affect you throughout the day*. I can
just imagine what your boyfriend thinks of me. I'm sure you haven't
kept my personal violation of you from him. After all, that violation
affects him too since the two of you live together. I can just imagine
what your friends think of me (pause) (my multiple phone messages, then
our anger outburst that Saturday).
Mythology:
Our kindred spirits have brought us together.
We have a therapeutic friendship for friendships take on many forms.
In many ways, you (therapists in general)do develop friendships with your clients.
What constitutes friendship? Caring, being there, keeping proper
boundaries, forgiving, and so forth. I know you're this way with
everybody. It's in your nature. It's in our heritage. It's no wonder
that I Love You so much. A love deep from my inner soule.
Optional Side Note:
I do not agree for I do not trust the concept. Being loyal to the
exclusion of developing new independent friends of the opposite gender
can be very lonely. Beware of your exclusiveness. "No new individual
friendships with the opposite gender once boyfriend/girlfriend" is very
exclusive indeed. Your exclusiveness may be out of respect (as I think
it is), but at the same time it is a sign of insecurity.
*(and when better to process the days events than when you're snuggled up with him)
Friday, March 29th, Saturday, March 30th:
This is Private: Not to be shared with anybody except your immediate supervisors
I, James Falknor, terminate the "Authorization to Exchange
Information" with Dr. Rick May and Dawn Bienek (hers was a one time
authorization anyway).
I need to be able to implicitly trust you again. I need to be able
to implicitly share with you again. I can't as long as I know it will
get back to Dr. May. I need my therapeutic privacy with you. This is
the only way to guarantee that my Therapeutic Privacies and Trusts will
not be violated again.
I vow not to violate your Privacies and Trusts anymore. From the
deepest reaches of my inner soul I make this vow. I care about you and
the relationship we have. I don't want it to ever end. I vow not to
discuss our therapy sessions with Dawn, Dr. May, or group on the
grounds that it would be a violation of our Privacies and Trusts. I
demand the same in return.
I TERMINATE THE AUTHORIZATIONS! I CHOSE TO HAVE THEM, I CHOOSE TO DESTROY THEM!
I am responding to Dr. May saying that I failed my polygraph due to
"New Information", information about knowing where you live. I am being
punished for it. My next polygraph is within 3 months instead of 6
months. He has no right being involved in our therapeutic relationship.
He has no right punishing me for a Private matter between you and me.
The Private matter being my online knowledge of you.
(Pay attention to what has been triggered here!)
I Trusted that my therapy with you was Private. I shared my
knowledge with you in the Privacy of a therapy session. That is where
it should have stayed, between the two of us in the therapy room. You
once said that you wouldn't share our sessions with Dr. May, that you
would just send him progress reports.
I KNOW YOU DID NOT INTEND TO HAVE ME PUNISHED WHEN YOU BROUGHT UP THE ONLINE STUFF IN THAT MEETING..BUT
I'm angry at YOU for having violated MY Therapeutic Privacies and
Trusts (delayed as it may be). What goes on in here is private, between
you and me. Why did you go and tell them? Why couldn't you keep it
between us? I'm angry at YOU for telling them. You had no therapeutic
authorization to do so. I thought I could therapeutically trust in you.
I trusted you. Just as I felt your hurt for violating your Privacies
and Trusts, I feel hurt that you violated MY Therapeutic Privacies and
Trusts. You couldn't tell me how you felt. You couldn't give US a
chance to resolve it first. You had to go behind my back and tell
Dr. May and Dawn (almost getting me slapped with stalking charges then
and there).
You have an obligation to resolve this. He's punishing me for a
private matter between you and me. A private matter that WE have since
resolved.
I see two resolutions, seeing that he doesn't respect your
abilities. They are resolutions for the future. The past cannot be
changed:
1. An apology from YOU.
2. The therapies are to be totally separated!
<<< DR. MAY HAS GOT TO BE OUT OF OUR THERAPEUTIC
RELATIONSHIP >>> <<< ONLY WAY FOR ME TO IMPLICITLY
TRUST YOU AGAIN >>>
<<< ONLY WAY I CAN EVER TRUST RELATIONSHIP BASED THERAPY AGAIN >>>
<<< JUST YOU, ME, CAMERAS, YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISORS, and GOD
Main Entry: friend
Pronunciation: 'frend
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frEond; akin to Old High German
friunt friend, Old English frEon to love, frEo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: ACQUAINTANCE
2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4: a favored companion
5 capitalized: a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner
Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war --
called also Quaker
- friendless /'fren(d)-l&s/ adjective
- friendlessness noun
- be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with
- make friends with : to establish a friendship or friendly relations with
Main Entry: friendship
Pronunciation: 'fren(d)-"ship"
Function: noun
Date: before 12th century
1: the state of being friends
2: a: the quality or state of being friendly b: friendly relationship or feeling : FRIENDLINESS
3 obsolete: AID
Main Entry: friendly
Pronunciation: 'fren(d)-lE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): friendlier; -est
Date: before 12th century
1: of, relating to, or befitting a friend : as a: showing kindly
interest and goodwill b: not hostile <a friendly merger offer>;
also : involving or coming from actions of one's own forces
<friendly fire> c: CHEERFUL, COMFORTING <the friendly glow of
the fire>
2: serving a beneficial or helpful purpose
3: easy to use or understand <friendly computer software>
synonym see AMICABLE
- friendlily /'fren(d)-l&-lE/ adverb
- friendliness noun
Main Entry: acquaintance
Pronunciation: &-'kwAn-t&n(t)s
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 a: the state of being acquainted b: personal knowledge : FAMILIARITY
2 a: the persons with whom one is acquainted <should auld acquaintance be forgot
-- Robert Burns> b: a person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend
- acquaintanceship /-"ship/" noun
Wednesday, April 3rd:
Saw Dawn today. She respected our privacies and trusts. She accepted
general answers to how things are going between you and me. She didn't
bring up our boundary issue.
Complimented young lady that works at Wild Oats. Her name is
Meghan. Asked her if I could give her a compliment, waited for her
response (yes), (after stumbling a bit) I told her I thought she was
pretty, she thanked me, (you know me) I had to affirm that I had not
crossed her boundaries, she said no, she thanked me again. As I left, I
turned around and introduced myself. She returned the introduction
(after a slight stumble), we shook hands. She had a firm grip.
Thursday, April 4th:
Odd things this week. Last week in group, Dr. May made it quite clear
that we had more to work on this week when it came to the homework
assignment. I was ready to tell him that I couldn't talk about the
issue anymore. Nothing was brought up.
Met Tom at Wild Oats. We were going to Peter's to empty the place of furniture.
Talked with one of the cashiers for a while. Her name is
Kendra.Only 17 and kicked out of her home. As she puts it " a little
too rambunctious". I feel for her. She's but a child and her parents
kicked her out. She stayed away from home once too often, as she said
it to me. All this information obtained by first asking how her Easter
was. It's long, I'll tell you in our session. Easter, parents.....
long.
Friday, April 5th:
Very interesting. Look back to Wed. and Thurs., my privacies with you
were respected. Not even touched upon. Seems very coincidental that we
discussed my need for our privacy and then to have our privacies
respected by both of them.
Makes me wonder if you had something to do with it. Don't get me wrong,
it wouldn't surprise me if you had. But another part of me doesn't
believe that you did. The other part says that this is God's work.
Sunday, April 7th:
Computer down all day yesterday for HD replacement.
Tuesday, April 9th:
Met Tom yesterday evening. We cleared out more of Peter's stuff.
Stopped at Wild Oats. Formally introduced myself to the young
cashier with the name tag "Kendra". She returned the introduction. Her
name isn't Kendra, it is Alicia. She just uses somebody elses name tag.
Wednesday, April 10th:
Let me see the triggers to the Cherry Creek Mall Anxieties:
Lots of people, Self-conscious, People watching me.
I'm tempting fate. What if you are here? What if you are by
yourself? What if I run into you? I'm curious. I fear my curiosity. I
would like to run into you, just for the experience of it. I would like
to experience the public side of you.
Just the thought of running into you conjures up a noble fantasy:
Fantasy: You're here. You're by yourself. I run into you. We're heading
in the same direction. I ask you, "May I accompany you until our paths
take us in different directions?"
This fantasy holds true at Washington Park as well. For that matter just about anywhere else.
Jake, our Rotweiler, died this afternoon. He just laid down and
died. No warnings, nothing. According to the vet, big dogs such as Jake
usually die after about 8-10 years. We had him for 9 years.
Thursday, April 11th:
Mandy is back as co-therapist in our group.
Is it "OK" to have a crush on more than one person?
I've had an unspoken crush on Mandy since she first started as our co-therapist.
Unspoken because Dr. May will not permit me to be as open about my
feelings as you have. It hurts that I can't tell Mandy how I feel. I
need to be truthful to her, she's one of my therapists, only way for
her to know how to work with me. I like her. She's pretty. She's
trusting. I admire her.
Saturday, April 13th:
Went for walk at CCM. I used to be a mall person. I used to be a
department store person. I grew up around them. My Mom worked at them
when I was a child. Anxieties big time. Too many people,
Self-conscious, People watching me/me
watching people. Senses overloaded. Pushed on anyway. Near the end I
finally began to relax.
Realized: Sexuality. I am picking up peoples sexuality. It's in
their walk, their stance, the way they carry themselves, the clothes
they wear, the shops.
Wednesday, April 17th:
Not much Monday evening or Tuesday.
Finally got through to Wendy.
Have an appointment to see her after our session on the 29th.
Thursday, April 18th:
Figured way to let my feelings known about Mandy. On our weekly
check-in sheet there is a question about secrets from therapists or
group. I wrote it there. Dr. May wasn't there yet. I brought up that I
had written something under secrets and that I would like for Dr. May
to read it first. Of course Mandy picked it up and read it. She quietly
said to me that others have said that before. There were no further
discussions about it. When Dr. May got to group, he never read the
thing. I showed it to him after group. He said we'll have to discuss it
in group next week.
I manipulated Mandy into reading it first. Inside, I really wanted her to read it first. That's why I brought it up.
Friday, April 19th:
Got some new shirts on Tuesday. Decided to try an experiment come Monday.
Saturday, April 20th:
Pushing my anxieties. I now know that it isn't you or sexuality. It is
definitely the number of people. I tried the park>too crowded. I
tried the mall>crowded but went for walk anyway.
Tuesday, April 23rd:
I'm sad and angry at you Sara. Non-interactive e-mail relationship.
That's what we would have if you do not e-mail me back occasionally.
Relationships are interactive. Even therapeutic relationships.
Hotmail only gives you about 1.5M of e-mail storage space and a months update from me might be longer than that.
Have a possible solution. Will work on it.
Wednesday, April 24th:
I have an excellent solution. Plus, it gets you a bit interactive.
Solution: Each month I will send you a short e-mail reminder with a link to http://www.jpassociates.com/diary . You will need to enter name and password.
Name: sara, Password: therapist. This will bring up my entire diary to date. Try this when you get home tonight. It works! You can check it anytime you wish.
As I get fancier, I could also add audio. I have the next 3 months to accomplish this.
Thank you Sara. You gave me the need to learn how to setup restricted access web pages.
Friday, April 26th:
Had little meeting yesterday, after group with Dr. May and Mandy.
I don't get it. I just don't get it. It's "Not Victimizing" to
express angry feelings toward my therapists but it is "Victimizing" to
express friendly feelings toward my therapists. I don't get it. That is
up-side down logic. Makes no sense whatsoever. I thought therapy is
supposed to encourage the expression of all feelings within the safe
environment of the therapy setting. I was asked "Where do I expect it
to go?" My response "Forward".
Sidetrack:
I thin
...............................................................................................................
I know you care about my well being. I'm afraid
you'll forget me over time
................................................
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Everybody that leaves me seems to forget me over time.
I think you coming to my web diary (at least once a month) would
speak louder than any words. Your actions would show that you still
care and not forgotten me. I set it up just for you. You wouldn't have
to say anything. No e-mail back unless requested.
Saturday, April 27th:
I feel safe having a crush on you and Mandy. You'll always be my
therapists. You'll always be there when I really have a strong need.
You'll always care about my well being....
In our last session, what about a hug at the end. It would mean so
much to me. It would help. Separations of the past, I was never allowed
proper farewell. A hug is part of a proper farewell/ proper parting of
our paths.
I'm Gonna Miss You Sara, I'm Gonna Miss You A lot!
How many years of internship do you have to do before you graduate from D.U.?
Will you be coming back here for the graduation ceremonies?
Hope you'll let me know when you decide to "tie the knot" with your boyfriend.
I would like to design a special "congratulation" web page for each event (your graduation and your marriage).
If you ever need a listening ear, I'm just a mouse click away. I care about you a lot Sara, don't ever forget it.
All through today's writing, I've been crying. I still am crying.
Sunday, April 28th:
I don't know. If more people trusted & respected themselves and
each other, we might have less violence / hatred / anger / war and more
peace / love / caring / healing.
Dr. May dismissed the qualities that I base my crush on Mandy with
as insignificant reasons. He did not let me read the qualities that are
the basis for my liking Mandy. Very complimenting qualities> Mandy's
Trusting - She's Sexually Secure (amend to: Secure)- She's Pretty - I
Trust Her - I Feel Sexually Safe (amend to: Safe) Around Her - I Have
Friendly Feelings For Her (I.e.: I like her, I think she's "cool", so
forth) - I Respect Her.
I do have to say, finally he let me express one quality. The most
important quality above all the others> Trust. With out trust, none
of the rest is possible. With trust also comes more complete expression
of emotions and a better chance to heal from the traumas of the past.
Dr. May says that I victimized Mandy because she did not "ask for
it". Why does one have to ask to be liked? Why does one have to wait
until asked to express friendly feelings toward another? Nobody should
have to ask to be liked. Nobody should have to wait until they are
asked to express friendly feelings toward another. Maybe it's what I
learned in Sunday School. Jesus openly expressed his friendly feelings
toward others. What's so boundary crossing about free expression of
friendly feelings toward others? It's a compliment to be liked. It is
complimenting to be a friend. What happened to peoples hearts and
souls? They seem closed to friendly feelings from others. It's
completely up-side down. GOD must be reeling. GOD taught us that
expressing friendly feelings toward one another can never be
victimizing, violating, or boundary crossing. I have many a "gifts"
shunned by others. It pains me to bear witness to it. At least in GOD's
heart I have done nothing wrong by expressing my friendly feelings
toward others.
Tuesday, April 30th:
I'm sad/mad and happy:
Sad/Mad that you will never e-mail me. Not even at Christmas time.
Happy that in many ways you really will be like my guardian angel, silently observing.
It's like you'll be a silent friend, always caring.
Reminds me of some of the science fiction books I've read where a
group of beings silently observe us but never get involved. It's like
the 2nd Foundation (Foundation sci-fi book series), silently observing the rise and fall of human civilization.
I can't help but Love You.
Went for mall walk. I asked a lady that works at one of the shops
if I could give her a compliment. My anxieties were through the roof as
I asked. My whole system was tense. I was sweating something fierce.
She said "Yes". The compliment, as always> "I think you're pretty".
She thanked me, I thanked her. Somehow the conversation turned to her
expressing that she liked the compliment and that any Woman would like
hearing such a compliment. As my walk came near an end, I stopped back
by the shop. I told her that it was remiss of me for not introducing
myself earlier. I introduced myself and she introduced herself. Her
name is Eva.
How do I go from the above to gaining new friends? Should I just do as I did as a kid, ask if we could be friends?
Wednesday, May 1st:
Please consider sending me an e-mail at Christmas time?
We had a good e-mail relationship this past Christmas.
I know it's not that you don't want to e-mail me. I know you would
like to e-mail me. One e-mail a year from you wouldn't be harmful. I'm
not even asking for one at my Birthday.
Thursday, May 2nd:
I tried to give Mandy some credit for knowing, at the time, that I had
attempted to manipulate her. She didn't get it. Neither did Dr. May
until I blatantly told him that I was trying to give her credit where
credit is due. He said for me not to give them that much credit. In
other words, they can be manipulated. I will not and safely cannot
believe this.
Friday, May 3rd:
You haven't yet tested accessing my diary. Well, you still have this weekend to try although I am a little disappointed you haven't tried yet.
Saturday, May 4th:
Early Morning: Message on phone from my Brother. He called last night after I went to bed.
He had suffered a heart attack since we last talked a month ago. I almost lost him. I will try calling him later this morning.
Late Afternoon: Tried my brother again, still no answer. I'm getting worried.
Late Evening: Got thru to my Brother. He's feeling much better. He's on a new heart medication.
Sunday, May 5th:
I'm angry at you Sara:
You didn't test accessing my diary this past week as you said you would.
I trusted that you would keep your word and you didn't! This shows how little you care.
I can't trust you to keep your word for anything! What should I have done, e-mailed you a
reminder? That wouldn't have done any good. I can't be reminding you to
keep your word. When you went on-line this past week, you should have
kept your word and tested accessing my diary, that's if you intended to
keep your word to begin with.
Did you intend on keeping your word about testing access to my
diary sometime this past week? I don't know, I have my doubts now.
I will e-mail you reminders to check my diary, after you leave, if
I intend on keeping my word. I will e-mail you on Holidays and
Birthdays, after you leave, if I intend on keeping my word.
Back in January and February, you agreed for us to have an e-mail
relationship after you leave in August. Did you intend on keeping your
word then? It appears now, you had no intention for us to have an
e-mail relationship. It appears now, you had no intention of ever
e-mailing me. You should not have agreed if you had no intention of
ever e-mailing me.
My Mom appears to be right. She says it appears somebody has gotten to you since January. That somebody said something to you.
Did you intend on being here in August as you said you would back
in September? You originally said you'd be leaving in August. Now that
has changed too. I can understand this one being out of your hands. You
probably need some time before starting your internship, which probably
is starting sooner than you had expected back in September.
Week of May 6th:
You say you can't commit to staying in touch with me after you
leave. You won't have the time, you might forget, you have personal
reasons, that my perception of you as my therapist could become muddled.
Every reason you've given is flawed:
You say you can't commit to staying in touch with me for you won't have the time.
How much time does it take to click on the reply button, type a simple/professional reply message, and click send?
You say you can't commit to staying in touch with me for you might
forget. Yet you say you'll remember to notify me in the event your
e-mail address should change.
You say you can't commit to staying in touch with me for personal
reasons. You have a professional responsibility to keep your personal
stuff separated out of this. We have a professional, therapeutic,
relationship, not a personal relationship. Continued contact with each
other after you leave would be very therapeutic for me based upon my
abandonment issues. This is the primary reason for us to stay in touch
with each other after you leave.
You say you can't commit to staying in touch with me for you don't
want my perception of you as my therapist to become muddled. But then
you say that after you leave you'll be my old therapist. Which one do
you want me to perceive you as, my therapist or old therapist? You're
muddling the perceptions here! You'll always be my therapist. Once my
therapist, always my therapist.
You say that clients have had the option to schedule update
appointments with you after termination. This is not a regular
termination. You're leaving, I'm not. I won't have the option to
schedule update appointments with you. I won't have the luxury to
travel to Minnesota for any update appointments. This is the primary
reason for us to stay in touch with each other by way of e-mail.
You made a professional, therapeutic, commitment to me back in
September. You made a commitment not to abandon me for as long as you
are my therapist. You'll always be my therapist. Therefore, you have a
professional, therapeutic,
responsibility to keep your commitment to me after you leave.
The commitment you made came with certain inherent
responsibilities. You accepted those responsibilities when you made the
professional, therapeutic, commitment not to abandon me.
The inherent responsibilities include:
1. Making time for me
2. Staying in touch with me
3. Remembering 1 and 2
These inherent responsibilities are at the heart of my abandonment
issues. Important people in my life abandoned me based upon their
failure to honor these responsibilities. You knew this when you made
the commitment not to abandon me. That's why you made the commitment to
begin with. You also made the commitment so that I would fully trust
our professional, therapeutic, relationship.
I keep coming up with ways for you to keep your therapeutic
commitment to me. I keep coming up with ways for you to fully honor the
responsibilities inherent with that commitment. You keep shooting them
down with flawed reasons. You
say the responsibilities are too great for you, that my ideas are a set
up for disappointment. You accepted those
responsibilities. You have a professional, therapeutic, responsibility
not to disappoint me.
Tuesday, May 7th:
Today is the concert. I feel depressed, hopeless, lost, dejected.
I can't get a hold of the guy from group. Oh well. I'll go anyway.
Went to the mall. Complimented Eva again. This time told her that
she has a friendly smile. She thanked me and gave me an exaggerated
smile. I can't ask her to be my friend. I noticed a big rock on her
finger.
Wednesday, May 8th:
When I got to the Pepsi Center yesterday, I went to the KOOL 105 truck.
Told them I had a second ticket that I would share in the name of
friendship. They kept their ears open.
A lady from Alabama, here in town for some conference, was in
search of a ticket. They connected us up. Her name is Kathy. She is the
president of the Alabama Education Association. She appears to be in
her late forties or early fifties. I gave her one of my business cards
and she gave me hers. She has always wanted to see McCartney, but never
could. I topped her week. She said so. She said that this was the best
concert she has ever seen. We thanked each other numerous times. I held
out my hand for a handshake, she shook her head "no" and gave me a hug
instead. I have a new friend, albeit a long distance friend, even
though she's married.
Concert was great. My anxieties weren't there as I thought they
might. I guess it had something to do with having a new friend with me.
Or maybe something to do with everybody being there for the same reason.
Thursday, May 9th:
Saw Dawn yesterday morning. She thinks my experience at the concert was great.
Saturday, May 11th:
I feel the same as on Tuesday. I've felt this way all this week.
Anxious, depressed, lost, sad, hopeless..... How am I to trust
relationships in the future if you, my therapist, decide not to stay in
touch with me after you leave? Every important person in my life that
has left me, never made an effort to stay in touch with me. I hope you
will help change this relationship cycle? I hope you decide to e-mail
me occasionally after you leave. I hope you understand the therapeutic
importance of this, I think you do.
I can still e-mail you after you leave, right? That hasn't changed,
has it? As far as I'm aware of, we're discussing you staying in touch
with me.
Sunday, May 12th:
For the past week, my sleep has been erratic, full of anxiety. It just
came together. It's the thought of you not staying in touch with me
after you leave. My system is depressively anxious beyond description.
It's like a pending disaster. My abandonment stuff is triggered to the
hilt. It's like a life or death struggle going on. There is something
so primitive about this, I can't describe it properly. It's like I'm
fighting for my life, my soul.
Our therapeutic relationship reawakened my ???. I can't describe it
accurately. The therapeutic importance of you staying in touch with me
after you leave has been elevated thru the roof. I can't stress it's
importance. There is a primitive gnawing feeling around this.
There is something so fundamentally vital about this I can't properly put it into words.
It's the bond. I'm desperate beyond despair to retain that bond.
It's as though the thought of you not staying in touch with me is
threatening the bond. Please, stay in touch with me Sara. Am I destined
to always lose quality relationships? The answer, so far, has been
"Yes". Help change the future. Help make the answer a "No". Stay in
touch with me.
Tuesday, May 14th:
You're the first to call what we have a relationship. I hope our
relationship can continue after you leave. It feels as though our
relationship, in its entirety, is being terminated. I hate the word
terminate. Terminate=die=kill=end forever=be no more. Relationship with
Peter terminated when he died.
Our professional relationship doesn't have to die. I'll always
envision you in the "pilot's seat". When I write, it's as though we're
sitting across from one another talking. I sometimes envision you
sitting across from me.
Please don't kill our direct contact relationship. One part I
didn't explain about contact with Dr. Gomez. The reason for letters
being sent thru Dr. May is so that we don't know where she lives. She
wanted her address to stay unknown. You and I on the other hand know
each others e-mail address.
I'm afraid of losing our professional relationship. I opened up to
you like no other before. I'm afraid you'll forget me over time. I'll
never forget you. My feelings toward you will never die. My view of you
as therapist will never die. Yes, you'll be my old therapist but still
an important person to me. I can envision years down the road, if our
relationship is allowed to evolve, us looking back and discussing the
major growth over those years. I can envision our relationship evolving
from friend-client/friend-therapist to client-friend/therapist-friend.
In the future, if our relationship is allowed to evolve, we'll
enjoy reminiscing about the therapy time together. I guess I'm seeking
for our therapeutic relationship to be allowed to evolve into a
professionally friendly relationship over time.
I'm going to miss not having you around. I'm going to miss seeing
you. I'm going to miss you. A part of me feels that I'm going to be
lost for a while after you leave.
I tried to find articles online regarding guidelines for
post-treatment relationship between therapist and client. There is
virtually nothing. All I found was that no sexual relationship can
occur for at least two years. I don't want a sexual relationship.
The therapeutic bond toward you is that of a sibling. You're like a
sister to me. You mean that much to me. It is tearing at me to
terminate. Treatment is being terminated between us, we don't have to
terminate our relationship.
I want to lay my head on your lap and cry. I want to hold onto you
and never let you go. I so much could use your caring, loving,
reassuring, sibling, and therapeutic touch. I want to sit on the floor
in front of you and hold onto you, like a little child holds onto big
sister for security. I feel insecure. I need security and reassurances
from you. I can't stand the thought of our relationship being killed.
It means too much to me.
I'm afraid Sara. I'm afraid you'll forget me over time. I don't
think you will. I'm afraid your feelings toward me will die out over
time. I don't think they won't. I'm afraid of forgetting you over time.
I don't think I will. I'm afraid my feelings toward you might die out
over time. I don't think they will. I'm afraid my feelings for you will
get buried away somewhere deep inside.
I want to stay in touch you. I'm going to miss your presence. I'm going to miss you.
Wednesday, May 15th:
Monday, May 27th, Memorial Day, the center will be closed. What day and time should we meet? The usual make-up day and time, Wednesday- May 29th- 9:00 A.M.?
Friday, May 17th:
The anxiety group went well last night. Some guided imagery work. I
like Wendy and Courtney. I think Courtney is pretty. I'd like to tell
her, but I feel afraid to do so. I think I'll confide in Wendy on that
and see what she suggests.
Saturday, May 18th:
Last night, I had another dream of us having sexual intercourse. It was
so vivid. It seemed so real. I need to go into some details. There is
something important to this dream.
In the dream:
You were in control. I was on my back and you were on top. We went all the way. And I mean all the way.
We experienced simultaneous orgasm. We experienced simultaneous
ejaculation. I whilst within you and you whilst I within you. Our
breaths were taken away.
I awoke with a gasp of air. I noticed that I had ejaculated in my
sleep. This is very significant in that this is the first time I have
ever ejaculated in my sleep.
Important notes: Almost paradoxical!
1. You're the first that I have ever had intercourse dreams about.
2. Last night was the first time I have ever ejaculated in my sleep.
3. I have not yet experienced real sexual intercourse.
There is major symbolism in this intercourse dream. The dream is
symbolic of the control you have over our future relationship. The
dream is symbolic of our relationship, as it currently stands, coming
to a climax. Our relationship is at the "point of greatest intensity".
It's the culmination of our relationship. Our relationship, as it
currently stands, is "reaching its final point".
Sunday, May 19th:
Our relationship, as we now know it, is coming to an end......................................
Don't kill our relationship completely. I beg you. I'm pleading
with you. This death doesn't have to be. I'm not
ready............................................ 3 deaths in one
year,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, NO NO NO. I can deal with you not being here,
not seeing you, not having therapy with you anymore. But please, let us
stay in touch after you leave..................... I've had 2 deaths
this year already. Please don't kill our relationship?
You say this is a new experience for you. Balance this one out
carefully Sara. The relationship you have with every client is unique.
No 2 relationships are alike. Therefore, cessation of treatment with
every client is also unique. To stay in touch or not stay in touch? The
answer to that is as unique to every cessation of treatment as is the
relationship you have with every client is unique.
Sara, could you include me in your decision making as to what to do.
We only have 10 sessions/weeks to go and I need time to process the feelings with you that the decision triggers.
I hope the therapist you choose to take over allows me to be as
honest, up-front, and open as you have. I hope she accepts me for me.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be allowed to be as open with my new
therapist as I have with you. I'm afraid she won't accept me the way
you did. I'm afraid she won't allow me to develop a bond toward her.
I'm afraid she will try to discourage the bonding.
You are unique Sara. It's no wonder I developed a genuine Love for
you. May our soules cross paths again someday. I believe they will, for
I truly believe they have in the past.
Tuesday, May 21st:
Sara, is there such a thing as a spiritually sexual bond in the realm
of therapy? I think this is another piece of the symbolism. In the
dream, we bonded sexually. Is it possible to feel a sexual bond toward
you within the realm of therapy?
I can actually say it. You are an attractive woman. Attractive in
all the senses. A woman to the fullest extent. I can actually say that
I'm attracted to you.
Near the beginning, I told you that I thought you were pretty. That
was my child sexuality speaking. Now I can say that you are attractive.
My sexuality is growing. My being is growing. I wish we had more time
together. I wish you could be here when my ME fully fruits. I'm afraid.
I want to hold onto my child ME. I have to let it grow.
I feel an attraction to Courtney. To help my sexuality grow, I have
to use attractive instead of pretty. I feel attracted to her
prettiness. I feel attracted to her gentle voice. I feel attracted to
her as I am to you. Difference, I wasn't ready to accept it with you
until I grew a bit. You and Courtney are attractive.
Wednesday, May 22nd:
I hope you'll let me stay in touch with you after you leave. I so much
would like to keep you informed as to the fruition of our
intercourse(communication or dealings) together.
I don't hope, I'm going to stay in touch with you after you leave.
I am asserting myself here for a change. I am going to e-mail you no
more than once every other month with progress on the "fruition of our
intercourse", with the following exceptions: I am going to e-mail you
for Christmas/New Years, your Birthday, and your Graduation. I am going
to stay in touch with you.
The dream depicted us trusting our relationship. The dream depicted
us trusting each other. You provided a safe environment for me to trust
you.
I ask that you trust me on the following:
Allow our relationship to evolve into a long term, long distance
friendship after you leave. There is a safe environment for a
friendship between us. That environment: E-mail and the Internet. Trust
me on this. There's no way we can ever forget how we came to know each
other. You'll always be my old therapist and I will always be your old
client.
Nobody says we can't develop a friendship. I believe a friendship
that develops as a result of a therapeutic relationship can be quite
healthy, if boundaries are established for that friendship. There are
already 2 boundaries established that help facilitate the development
of friendships after a therapeutic relationship (no exploitation and no
sexual intimacies) of which neither could occur. What I'm asking for
would not be a threat to your relationship with your boyfriend. There
is nothing disloyal being asked of you. I'm asking for a simple, long
distance, friendly relationship with you after you leave.
I never dreamt of asking for a friendship with any of my old
therapists. This feels different. I never cared about my old therapists
the way I care about you. This is new for me.
Friday, May 24th:
The SA Group went quite well last night. I told Courtney during the
break that I found her attractive. She found it complimenting. During
group, Wendy suggested that our anxieties might be driven by other
feelings. In my case with
Courtney, the driving feeling was guilt. I felt/feel guilty that I feel
attracted to Courtney. I told Courtney this after group ended. She
understood. I have more to say, but it is too long to write. Wendy told
a metaphor story about a bus full of people/anxiety telling us which
way to drive the bus.
Courtney and Wendy asked us what we stand for/what we have a passion for.
My answer: Friendships
Saturday, May 25th:
I had 2 dreams last night:
Dream 1: We were mountain hiking together. You were the leader. You
had me tie one end of a rope to myself while you tied the other end to
yourself. We were tethered to each other in case one of us lost our
footing and fell. My end of the rope kept coming untied. I awoke after
I had successfully tied the one end to myself.
Dream 2: Somebody pulled up to the psych center on a white motor
cycle that made lots of noise. The person was dressed all in black. A
black leather dress-jacket, black slacks, black leather gloves and
almost knee-high black leather dress-boots. (The person looked
something like "Darth Vader" from the original Star Wars) In taking off
the black, shiny, full headed helmet, the person was you. You looked so
attractive. In the dream, I thought to myself that you were "oh so
sexy" and "seductively attractive". I awoke as you began to walk
through the doors of the center and my breath taken away.
I have no clue what to make of these dreams. Any help with their meanings?
Do you like mountain hiking? Do you like "noisy" motorcycles? Do
you ever dress in black to be "oh so sexy" or "seductively attractive"?
Saw Wendy at CCM while on my walk. She was talking to someone. It
looked like Coutney, but I can't be certain. My anxieties soared. I
avoided running into them. I immediately began processing the feelings.
Realized it was fear based. Fear of my fantasy of running into my
therapist coming true, 2x over. I began wishing I had faced my fear,
decided I would if the opportunity presented itself again. It did on
the upper level, with Wendy by herself. Told her I saw her a few
minutes earlier downstairs, the fear that I processed, and was hoping
I'd run into her again. I missed the opportunity of running into
Courtney, if it was her. In the future, I won't be so fearful.
Sunday, May 26th:
I wish to modify Wednesday's writings:
After you leave, I'd like for our relationship to continue as both old therapist/client and as new friends.
Tuesday, May 28th:
Morning: I think I have an idea of what dream #2 from Friday night
meant. I feel attracted to the power you have. The black represents the
unknown of you. I don't know your private life. I feel attracted to the
unknown part of you.
Wednesday, May 29th:
Afternoon:
You've lumped our relationship into a basket with all your other
clients. No individualization at all. Your relationship with every
client is unique.
You've lumped our termination of treatment into a basket with all
your other clients. No individualization at all. Termination of
treatment with every client is unique.
You've made it quite clear that you believe that relationships are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that your
relationships are disposable. You've made it quite clear that you
believe that our relationship is disposable. After-all, you say
relationships come and go.
You've made it quite clear that you believe that people are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that the people in your life are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that I'm
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that you're
disposable. After-all, you say relationships come and go.
Does your family know that their relationship with you is
disposable? Do they know that they are disposable? Do you accept that
your relationship with your family is disposable? Do you accept that
they can dispose of you? How would you feel if that were to happen to
you and that they told you that you could not stay in touch with them?
After-all, they would say relationships come and go.
Does your boyfriend know that his relationship with you is
disposable? Does he know that he is disposable? Do you accept that your
relationship with him is disposable? Do you accept that he can dispose
of you? How would you feel if that were to happen to you and that he
told you that you could not stay in touch with him? After-all, he would
say relationships come and go.
Do your friends know that their relationship with you is
disposable? Do they know that they are disposable? Do you accept that
your relationship with them is disposable? Do you accept that they can
dispose of you? How would you feel if that were to happen to you and
that they told you that you could not stay in touch with them?
After-all, they would say relationships come and go.
How would you feel if D.U. decides to dispose of their relationship
with you after you leave and told you that you could not stay in touch?
After-all, they would say relationships come and go.
With future clients, you better make it quite clear from the start
that when treatment terminates the relationship they have with you will
be disposed of in its entirety. With future clients, you better make it
quite clear from the start that when treatment terminates you will be
disposing of them and that they will not be welcome to stay in touch
with you. This is only fair to them. After-all, you say relationships
come and go.
Relationships do not come and go. Relationships are not disposable,
no matter what type they may be except for those that are
dysfunctional. Your relationships are not disposable. No relationship
is disposable. Our relationship is not disposable. No person is
disposable. Nobody in your life is disposable. I'm not disposable.
You're not disposable.
I'm not a piece of paper that you can just throw away. I'm a
person. I do not deserve to be thrown away just because you are moving
out of state. I do not deserve to be thrown away just because our
therapy together ends. Nobody deserves that.
It's very clear that you've never been disposed of by a positive role model in your life.
What you have decided to do is very harmful. If only a role model,
that you look up to, would do it to you. Then you might realize just
how harmful your decision really is.
Wednesday, May 29th:
Evening:
I expect an appointment with my new therapist for the week of July 29th since our last session will be on July 22nd.
Treatment with her cannot be on Tuesday mornings, Wednesday afternoons,
Thursdays, or Friday afternoons. It is your responsibility to see to it
that service is uninterrupted. It is your responsibility to see to it
that she is "ready to roll" with me
beginning the week of July 29th. It is your responsibility to have an appointment set for me with her for the week of July 29th.
You have the responsibility, as my therapist, to take reasonable
steps to facilitate* the transfer of responsibility to my new therapist
by our last session on July 22nd (see section 4.09-c of the
APA Code of Ethics below) seeing that I will need her services
immediately to deal with the pain and anxieties. *facilitate: Ease.
Move carefully into place.
You have a responsibility to begin the transfer process long before July 22nd. You have a responsibility to have the transfer process finalized prior to our last session on July 22nd. You have a responsibility to have an appointment set for me with my new therapist prior to July 22nd for the week of July 29th. You have less than 6 weeks to accomplish this and I'm not the only client of yours that you have these responsibilities to.
You have the responsibility, as my therapist, to make reasonable
efforts to plan for facilitating** my care in the event services are
interrupted due to you relocating (see section 4.08-a of the APA Code
of Ethics below). **facilitating: Easing. Moving carefully into place.
If my new therapist can't take on the transfer of responsibility by the week of July 29th, then you'll still be responsible for
my treatment until that transfer takes place (see section 4.08-a and 4.09-a of the APA Code of Ethics below).
You have less than 6 weeks to fulfill your responsibilities in these matters. You better get moving on this!
4.08 Interruption of Services.
(a) Psychologists make reasonable efforts to plan for facilitating
care in the event that psychological services are interrupted by
factors such as the psychologist's illness, death, unavailability, or
relocation or by the client's relocation or financial limitations. (See
also Standard 5.09, Preserving Records and Data.)
(b) When entering into employment or contractual relationships,
psychologists provide for orderly and appropriate resolution of
responsibility for patient or client care in the event that the
employment or contractual relationship ends, with paramount
consideration given to the welfare of the patient or client.
4.09 Terminating the Professional Relationship.
(a) Psychologists do not abandon patients or clients. (See also Standard 1.25e, under Fees and Financial Arrangements.)
(b) Psychologists terminate a professional relationship when it
becomes reasonably clear that the patient or client no longer needs the
service, is not benefiting, or is being harmed by continued service.
(c) Prior to termination for whatever reason, except where
precluded by the patient's or client's conduct, the psychologist
discusses the patient's or client's views and needs, provides
appropriate pre-termination counseling, suggests alternative service
providers as appropriate, and takes other reasonable steps to
facilitate transfer of responsibility to another provider if the
patient or client needs one immediately.
Friday, May 31st:
You've put our relationship into a basket with your other clients.
You've put our termination of treatment into a basket with your other clients.
I'm not like your other clients. You said so early on in our
Relationship. The dynamics of our relationship is different. You said
you keep finding yourself opening your boundaries to me. You said you
keep finding yourself "muddling" our relationship and your boundaries
with me. You said you keep falling into it. Why? What's going on inside
of you? You've made no mistakes. You've been reacting from your heart.
Wednesday you said relationships come and go. You made it clear
that you believe that relationships are disposable. You made it clear
that you believe that our relationship is disposable. You made it clear
that you believe that I'm disposable. You made it clear that you
believe that you're disposable. Relationships are not disposable. Our
relationship is not disposable. I'm not disposable. You're not
disposable.
You're a role model. You're a role model for what True
Relationships with Real Women could be like for me. I trusted in that.
I trusted in you. By disposing of our relationship after you leave,
you've sent a message that there is no hope of ever finding True
Relationships with Real Women. You've sent a message that I'm destined
to always be disposed of when I'm no longer useful.
What you have decided to do hurts a lot. It feels like you are
disposing of me like a piece of paper after it has been used. It feels
like you are throwing me away like so many others have done. It hurts.
I'm sad. I'm angry. I want to lash out at you. If only a role model,
that you look up to, would do it to you. Then you might realize just
how hurtful your decision really is.
I'm not a piece of paper that you can just throw away. I'm a person
with feelings. I'm a person with feelings toward you. I do not deserve
to be thrown away just because you are moving out of state. I do not
deserve to be thrown away just because our therapy together ends.
I have very deep distrusts in relationships with women. Very few
have taken relationships with me seriously. Very few have valued their
relationships with me. They use me then throw me away. It feels like
you are doing the same. I feel used by you. You're disposing of our
relationship. You're disposing of me. I wish you had never called it a
relationship.
You encouraged a relationship to develop. I began believing that we
had developed a True Relationship. Our relationship had some stormy
times, but we rode them out. That is a sign of a True Relationship.
True Relationships are sacred. True Relationships last a lifetime.
True Relationships only end upon death. I guard against accepting True
Relationships for just these reasons.
I had a True Relationship with Peter. It ended upon his death. Did we have stormy times? Yes, and we rode out the storms.
I have a True Relationship with Shelly. Our Relationship has lasted
over 15 years. Since she moved to California 9 years ago, we keep in
touch 1, 2 maybe 3 times a year. She's not a Real Woman though. She is
a female but acts like a male.
I know what I'm seeking for in retaining a True Relationship with you after you leave.
The examples you gave of relationships ending early were all
examples of dysfunctional relationships. They are not True
Relationships. One such example you gave:
Me being in a relationship thinking everything was fine and that she
decides to kill it because she didn't think things were fine.
That was an example of a lack of communication, a dysfunctional relationship.
Friday, May 31st:
I need you to have the new therapist ready in time to be there for me
the week following our last session. I need to have an appointment
setup with her for the week of July 29th. I will need her support at that time.
Saturday, June 1st:
Today was Peter's Birthday.
I'm angry at you. You've hurt me.
In January/February you said "Yes" to us having an e-mail
relationship after you leave and that we would work out the details of
it as the time got closer.
Now you say "No".
Did you intentionally lie to me back in January/February? Did you
have any intention for us to have an e-mail relationship after you
leave? Did you have any intention for us to work out the details for
having an e-mail relationship after you leave? Did you have any
intention of respecting your word to me? Did you have any intention of
honoring your word to me? Did you have any intention of keeping your
word to me? Did you have any intention of respecting and honoring me?
Did you intend to be a disrespectful, dishonoring liar?
Is your word disposable just like relationships are disposable?
Do you believe that one's word comes and goes just as you believe relationships come and go?
You say you made a mistake. It is a mistake for you to be saying
"No" now for it makes you look like a disrespectful, dishonoring liar.
You say you're not letting your other clients stay in touch with you after you leave.
I don't care what your letting your other clients do or not do.
This is not about them. This is about you and me. This is about our
Relationship. This is about respecting, honoring, and keeping your word
to me.
You said we could have an e-mail relationship after you leave. When
you say "Yes" to someone, you have an obligation to respect, honor, and
keep your word to them. It's very wrong for you to go back on your
word. It's very hurtful for you to go back on your word.
You can't "back peddle" on this. You can't go back on your word! You said "YES".
When someone says "Yes" to you, don't you expect them to respect, honor, and keep their word?
Respect, honor, and keep your "Yes" to us having an e-mail
relationship after you leave. Let us begin working out the details for
us to have a viable e-mail relationship for after you leave, you said
we would. You can't go back on your word to me without looking like a
disrespectful, dishonoring liar.
Sunday, June 2nd:
Morning:
You've made it quite clear that you believe that relationships are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that your
relationships are disposable. You've made it quite clear that you
believe that our relationship is disposable. After-all, you say
relationships come and go.
You've made it quite clear that you believe that people are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that the people in your life are
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that I'm
disposable. You've made it quite clear that you believe that you're
disposable. After-all, you say relationships come and go.
With future clients, you better make it quite clear from the start
that when treatment terminates the relationship they have with you will
be disposed of in its entirety.
With future clients, you better make it quite clear from the start
that when treatment terminates you will be disposing of them and that
they will not be welcome to stay in touch with you. This is only fair
to them. After-all, you say relationships come and go.
Does D.U. know that their relationship with you is disposable? Do
they know that they are disposable? After-all, you say relationships
come and go.
Do you accept that your relationship with D.U. is disposable? Do
you accept that they can dispose of you? How would you feel if that
were to happen to you and they told you that you could not stay in
touch with them? After-all, they would say relationships come and go.
Do your friends know that their relationships with you are
disposable? Do they know that they are disposable? After-all, you say
relationships come and go.
Do you accept that your relationship with them is disposable? Do
you accept that they can dispose of you? How would you feel if that
were to happen to you and that they told you that you could not stay in
touch with them? After-all, they would say relationships come and go.
Does your boyfriend know that his relationship with you is
disposable? Does he know that he is disposable? After-all, you say
relationships come and go.
Do you accept that your relationship with him is disposable? Do you
accept that he can dispose of you? How would you feel if that were to
happen to you and that he told you that you could not stay in touch
with him? After-all, he would say relationships come and go. (Could
your belief that relationships come and go and the fear of it be part
of the reason why the 2 of you do not allow the other to develop new
relationships with the opposite sex?)
Does your family know that their relationship with you is
disposable? Do they know that they are disposable? After-all, you say
relationships come and go.
Do you accept that your relationship with your family is
disposable? Do you accept that they can dispose of you? How would you
feel if that were to happen to you and that they told you that you
could not stay in touch with them? After-all, they would say
relationships come and go.
Relationships do not come and go. Relationships are not disposable,
no matter what type they may be except for those that are
dysfunctional. Your relationships are not disposable. Our relationship
is not disposable. No person is disposable. Nobody in your life is
disposable. I'm not disposable. You're not disposable.
It's because of my experiences with early relationships having come
and gone that I develop such strong attachments so quickly and hold
onto them so strongly. It's because of my experiences with early
relationships being disposed of by other people that I fear that my
relationships will be disposed of by other people. It's because of my
early experiences of me being disposed of by other people that I fear
that I will be disposed of by other people.
Sunday, June 2nd:
Afternoon:
I'm angry at myself. I've hurt myself. I hate myself.
My distrust and fears pushed you away.
In January/February you said "Yes" to us having an e-mail
relationship after you leave and that we would work out the details of
it as the time got closer.
Now you say "No".
You intended for us to have an e-mail relationship after you leave.
You intended for us to work out the details for having an e-mail
relationship after you leave. You intended to honor your word to me.
You intended to respect your word to me. You intended to keep your word
to me. You intended to honor and respect me. Please take back your "No"?
I distrusted your "Yes". I distrusted it due to my fear around
relationships coming and going. I distrusted it to the point of you now
saying "No". I pushed you to the point of saying "No" due to my fear
around relationships coming and going. I pushed you away with my
distrust. Please take back your "No"? Please come back? I promise not
to distrust your "Yes" again. I promise not to distrust you again on
this. I promise not to push you away again.
You say you made a mistake. You made no mistake when you said "Yes"
to me back in January/February. You were following your heart. You were
following the caring feelings you have for me. I pushed you away due to
my insecurities. I
pushed you to say "No" due to my insecurities. I should have trusted
your "Yes". I should have trusted you. Please take back your "No". Let
us begin working out the details for us to have a viable e-mail
relationship for after you leave.
You say you're not letting your other clients stay in touch with you after you leave.
I don't care what your letting your other clients do or not do.
This isn't about them. This is about you and me. This is about our
Relationship.
Please keep your "Yes" to us having an e-mail relationship after
you leave. Please keep your word to me? You said we could have an
e-mail relationship after you leave. I'm sorry for distrusting your
"Yes". I'm sorry for distrusting you on this. Please take back your
"No"?
Monday, June 3rd:
Sara did want an e-mail relationship. She jumped in without thinking.
Her peers advised against it. Had it been another time, she may have
even accepted a relationship with me. She says I am valued. I did not
push her away. I did not push her to say "No". I will have an
appointment setup with my new therapist before our last session on July
22nd.
Monday, June 17th Sara will be out of town. Most likely have therapy Wednesday, June 19th.
Today might be my last day of presenting my weekly entries of my journal with Sara.
I will still journal. It helps a lot.
I will miss Sara.
Tuesday, June 4th:
Morning: From this point down, I am appealing to your Scientific Intelect.
1.17 Multiple Relationships.
(a) In many communities and situations, it may not be feasible or
reasonable for psychologists to avoid social or other nonprofessional
contacts with persons such as patients, clients, students, supervisees,
or research participants.
Psychologists must always be sensitive to the potential harmful effects
of other contacts on their work and on those persons with whom they
deal. A psychologist refrains from entering into or promising another
personal, scientific, professional, financial, or other relationship
with such persons if it appears likely that such a relationship
reasonably might impair the psychologist's objectivity or otherwise
interfere with the psychologist's effectively performing his or her
functions as a psychologist, or might harm or exploit the other party.
(b) Likewise, whenever feasible, a psychologist refrains from taking on
professional or scientific obligations when pre-existing relationships
would create a risk of such harm.
(c) If a psychologist finds that, due to unforeseen factors, a
potentially harmful multiple relationship has arisen, the psychologist
attempts to resolve it with due regard for the best interests of the
affected person and maximal compliance with the Ethics Code.
No where does it say we cannot develop a personal relationship. It says that the psychologist "must always be sensitive to the potential
harmful effects" on those with whom they deal. It further says that: A
psychologist refrains from entering into or promising a personal
relationship with patients or clients if it appears likely that such a relationship reasonably might
impair the psychologist's objectivity or otherwise interfere with the
psychologist effectively performing his or her functions as a
psychologist, or might harm or exploit the other party.
Again, no where does it say we cannot develop a personal relationship. It merely cautions one to the potential, not
definite, harmful effects. It cautions one to the harm it might, not definitely, cause. The effects and causes are purely speculative(IF). Nobody can speculate with certainty what it will or will not do to me. We should give it the benefit of the
doubt. We should at least give it a try. "You don't know until you try!".
The consensus you came to is that it appears likely that an e-mail, sent freely (1) from me, to you, once a year at Christmasmight harm or exploit me. The only way an e-mail, sent freely from me, to you, once a year at Christmas might harm or exploit me, is if I allow it to harm or exploit me (and that is not likely to happen). Therefore, it is not likely that such a relationship might harm or exploit me.
From Draft 7 May 14th, 2002 to be voted upon in it's entirety sometime in August.
3.05 Multiple Relationships.
(a) A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is in a
professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in another
role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a relationship
with a person closely associated with or related to the person with
whom they have the professional relationship, or (3) promises to enter
into another relationship in the future with the person or a person
closely associated with or related to the person.
A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship
if the multiple relationship could reasonably be expected to impair the
psychologists objectivity, competence, or effectiveness in performing
his or her functions as a psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation
or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists.
Multiple relationships that would not reasonably be expected to
cause impairment or risk exploitation or harm are not unethical.
(b) If a psychologist finds that, due to unforeseen factors, a
potentially harmful multiple relationship has arisen, the psychologist
takes reasonable steps to resolve it with due regard for the best
interests of the affected person and maximal compliance with the Ethics
Code.
(c) When psychologists are required by law, institutional policy, or
extraordinary circumstances to serve in more than one role in judicial
or administrative proceedings, at the outset they clarify role
expectations and the extent of confidentiality and thereafter as
changes occur. (See also Standards 3.04, Avoiding Harm, and 3.07,
Third-Party Requests for Services.)
No where does it say we cannot develop a personal relationship. It says that: "A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship if the multiple relationship could
reasonably be expected to impair the psychologists objectivity,
competence, or effectiveness in performing his or her functions as a
psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists".
It merely cautions one to the risks that could reasonably be expected. The effects and causes are purely speculative (IF). Nobody can speculate with certainty what it could or could not do to me. We should give it the benefit of the doubt. We
should at least give it a try. "You don't know until you try!".
The consensus you would come to is that an e-mail, sent freely (2) from me, to you, once a year at Christmas couldreasonably be expected to risk exploitation or harm to me. The only way an e-mail, sent freely from me, to you, once a year at Christmas could reasonably be expected to risk exploitation or harm to me, is if I allow it to exploit or harm me
(and that would not happen). Therefore, an e-mail, sent freely from me, to you, once a year at Christmas would not
reasonably be expected to risk exploitation or harm to me.
Tuesday, June 4th:
Afternoon:
In January/February Sara said "Yes" to us having an e-mail relationship
after she leave and that we would work out the details of it as the
time got closer.
Then on Wednesday, May 29th she said "No".
Up until a week prior to this session, she felt that it would
benefit me to maintain a relationship with her after she leaves at the
end of July.
She intended for us to have an e-mail relationship after she leaves
at the end of July. She intended for us to work out the details for
having an e-mail relationship after she leaves at the end of July. She
intended to honor her word to me. She intended to respect her word to
me. She intended to keep her word to me. She intended to honor and
respect me.
Sometime between our session on Monday, May 20th and the day she said "No", she was advised that a continued relationship with me would do me more harm than good.
For as long as I knew that I would have an ongoing e-mail
relationship with Sara, I had confidence that I would find and retain
long term relationships outside of therapists. My confidence level has
plummeted down to zero. I feel like dropping out of society again. I
have no WILL anymore. I am nothing but a hollow shell again. I am in a
deep, deep, deep, dark depression. I have lost HOPE. My HOPES and
confidences have all been shattered. I want to be a HERMIT again. I
just want to crawl into a deep dark cave and never come out again.
Wednesday, June 5th:
I'm glad that we ran into each other at the mall today. It really
helped ground me and my feelings toward you. It really helped lift my
depressed spirits as well.
I had been depressed on Tuesday. I had been depressed all morning today.
I can't believe how close I was to you and you didn't even notice
me. I was so close, I could have put my arm around you. I was less than
a half step beside you at one point. I was close enough to make out
your toe ring and the little round tattoo. That tattoo was what
confirmed to me that it was really you. (What is that tattoo a
decoration of? Did it hurt when you got it?) I can't believe that you
didn't notice me when I leaned inward to catch a glimpse of your face
from in front, as opposed to the side profile.
My feelings toward you are back to pre-January/February. That is to say, I like you again. You're my friend-therapist
(3)again. We are peers again. We are equals again. You're not such a secret. You're not such a mystery.
Back in January/February, a power shift occurred. An earthquake
within our relationship gave you an enormous power and control curve
over me. You, all of a sudden, had this unhealthy power and control
over me. You became elusive. You
became secretive. You became mysterious. You became powerful and
controlling in our relationship. This should never have happened. It's
no wonder that I began having the feelings that I did. I can see now
that the dreams and fantasies were an expression of the inequalities
that had "sprung up".
You're my therapist. You're my peer and equal again. I was your peer
and equal prior to January/February as evidenced by you, when you
suggested, back in December, that I take a course in Psychology due to
my innate ability at being there for others.
This experience is what the therapists, that I have been quoting
all along, have been talking about. It can be healthy for the
therapeutic relationship when there is occasional social or
non-professional outside interaction between certain clients and their
therapist. It can keep the power and control equally balanced between
the client and their therapist.
I was "right on" as to the type of places that I thought you would
shop at within the mall. As I said, I saw you as I began my walk. You
were just coming out of the clothes shop BeBe. I had shops like BeBe in
mind when I told you that I thought you fit the style for Cherry Creek
Mall way back when I first started taking walks there. Why did you have
to be so elusively secretive and mysterious for all this time?
As I was going down the escalator to the lower level, I was
thinking "what if we run into each other again in the common area
downstairs". My answer: I would joke with you and say " We can't keep
meeting like this. People might start talking." As I was walking back
west on the lower level, I spotted you, in line, at the small card shop
(Papyrus). I thought of three options: 1. Stroll on in to the shop and
say high once again and by for the rest of the day. 2. Walk part way
west, turn around, and purposely run into you again. 3. Just keep on my
walk, after-all there is always another day. I immediately struck #1
out of the scenario. A combination of 2 and 3 occurred. I had to turn
around for I had to use the restroom. I kept my awareness open, but
didn't see you again. Oh well, maybe some other time.
Tuesday, June 11th:
You neglected me this week. You chose to neglect me this week in favor
of additional vacation time not scheduled to you. You neglected your
commitment to me from June 3rd. You made a commitment that we would have therapy the week of June 10th. You neglected that commitment. You neglected ME.
You neglected to keep your commitment to me for the week of June 10th. You neglected me. You chose additional vacation time over your commitment to me. You broke your promise to me from June 3rd. You promised that we would not miss any more weeks of therapy. You neglected me and your promise to me.
I was scheduled to have therapy with you this week and you
neglected your commitment to me. You neglected your commitment to me
for it would have inconvenienced your vacation time. You neglected me
in order to have additional vacation time.
I'm angry at you for choosing additional vacation time over your commitment to me for the week of June 10th. You neglected me and your commitment to me.
Instead of neglecting me and your commitment to me in favor of additional vacation time, you ought to have either:
1. Flown back here the morning of Tuesday, June 09th (as you said you had the option of doing), rescheduling our Monday, June 10th appointment to Wednesday, June 12th and rescheduling your flight back out for Wednesday evening, June 12th and coming back here as scheduled.
or
2. Rescheduled your flight back here to late Sunday, June 16th / early Monday, June 17th in order to keep your appointment
with me for Monday, June 17th and using Wednesday, June 19th as the make-up day for Monday, June 10th.
We have a total of 4 make-up sessions to do now. We have to schedule make-up sessions for December 17th, December 24th, January 14th, as well as for today, June 10th.
Back on Monday, January 7th, you said that we would schedule a make-up session for Monday, January 14th at our next session on Monday, January 21st. Then on Friday, January 11th, we scheduled a make-up session for Wednesday, January 23rd since the Monday, January 21st was a holiday. You further said at this time that we would schedule make-up sessions for Monday, December 17th and 24th as well as Monday, January 14th at our session on Monday, January 23rd.
These make-up sessions were never scheduled due to the upside-down
events that occurred. You've neglected to schedule our make-up
sessions. You've neglected me.
I still hold you responsible to your commitment that you made to
me. We need to schedule make-up sessions like you said we would.
Our last session will have to be July 24th instead of July 22nd as you had planned in order for you to keep all the make-up
sessions that you obligated yourself to.
The days I have available are as follows:
Friday, July 5th. 10:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 10th. 10:00 a.m.
Friday, July 19th. 10:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 24th. 10:00 a.m.
Saturday, June 15th:
!!! This Is My Time !!! Please indulge me? Please Read This Aloud?
You don't trust me anymore. You can't trust my therapeutic commitment
to you anymore. It's up to me to repair my therapeutic commitment to
you. It's up to me to repair your trust in my therapeutic commitment to
you. It's up to me to
repair your trust in me.
The least I can do to begin repairing your trust in me and my therapeutic commitment to you is by reading this aloud.
On June 3rd, I knew that I was going to be on vacation out of state prior to June 10th.
It was unprofessional of me to make a
definite therapeutic commitment when I knew that I was going to be on
vacation out of state prior to June 10th. It was unprofessional of me
for never saying a word to you on June 3rd that I would be on vacation out of state prior to June 10th.
On June 3rd, it was unprofessional of me for making the definite therapeutic commitment that we would have our session on June 10th.
On June 3rd, the professional thing for me to have said
was that I was going to be on vacation out of state but that I planned
to be here for our session on June 10th and that if I couldn't make it back in time that I would call. I DID NOT DO THIS.
My excuse that it would have cost me an extra $100 was not valid.
The following holds true with all the major airlines: (This was not
"beyond my realm"!)
Since the airline bumped me from my flight at no fault of my own
and I chose not to have the airline reschedule my Monday, June 10th / Wednesday, June 12th flights, they refunded the cost of the 2 flights.
The professional thing for me to have done was for me to have
applied $100 of the refunded flights to the $100 cost in rescheduling
my last flight back here to late Sunday, June 16th / early Monday, June 17th in order to reschedule my therapeutic commitment to you to June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th, using June 19th as the make-up day for cancelling June 10th. I CHOSE NOT TO DO THIS! I CHOSE THIS TO BE "BEYOND MY REALM"!
I chose to exploit the fact that I was bumped from my flight,
gaining additional vacation time not scheduled to me. If this were not
true, then I would have rescheduled my therapeutic commitment to you so
as to have been here on June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th.
I chose to exploit my situation and broke my therapeutic commitment
to you, gaining additional vacation time not scheduled to me. If this
were not true, then I would have rescheduled my therapeutic commitment
to you so as to have been here on June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th.
I chose to exploit my situation and abandoned my therapeutic
commitment to you, gaining additional vacation time not scheduled to
me. If this were not true, then I would have rescheduled my therapeutic
commitment to you so as to have been here on June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th.
I chose to exploit my situation and broke your trust in my
therapeutic commitment to you, gaining additional vacation time not
scheduled to me. If this were not true, then I would have rescheduled
my therapeutic commitment to you so as to have been here on June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th.
I chose to exploit my situation and abandoned your trust in my
therapeutic commitment to you, gaining additional vacation time not
scheduled to me. If this were not true, then I would have rescheduled
my therapeutic commitment to you so as to have been here on June 17th since I cancelled my therapeutic commitment to you on June 10th. For missing our June
10thappointment, let's schedule a make-up for Friday, June 21st at 10:00 a.m.
Sunday, June 16th:
On June 3rd, you knew you were going to be out of state on vacation prior to June 10th.
It was unprofessional of you to make a definite therapeutic commitment
when you knew that you were going to be out of state on vacation prior
to June 10th. It was unprofessional of you for not having said a word
to me on June 3rd that you would be out of state on vacation prior to June 10th.
On June 3rd, it was unprofessional of you for making the definite therapeutic commitment that we would have our session on June 10th.
On June 3rd, the professional thing for you to have said was "I will be out of state on vacation prior to June 10th but I plan to
be here for our session on June 10th. If I can't make it back in time, I will call you." YOU NEGLECTED TO SAY THIS!
What time did you get to the airport on June 10th?
What time was your flight for on June 10th?
All the major airlines require that passengers get to the airport
at least 90-120 minutes before their flight these days, even sooner for
flights that have been over-booked. (You know you should call a day
ahead to check if your flight is over-booked. You fly frequently
enough. That was negligent on your part.) Otherwise, you risk being
bumped from your flight. Did you get to the airport early enough? It
was negligent on your part for having been bumped off your flight.
There was no excuse for this.
You say it would have cost you $100 to reschedule your last flight back here to late Sunday, June 16th / early Monday, June 17th. The refunds you got for the flights that you couldn't use (Monday, June 10th / Wednesday, June 12th) would have paid for the $100 rescheduling fee. Furthermore, I would have leant you the $100 to be here June 17th since you couldn't make it on June 10th. That's how much your therapeutic commitment means to me.
You neglected the therapeutic commitment you had made to me on June 3rd.
You broke the therapeutic commitment you had made to me on June 3rd.
You abandoned the therapeutic commitment you had made to me on June 3rd.
You neglected the promise you had made to me on June 3rd.
You broke the promise you had made to me on June 3rd.
You abandoned the promise you had made to me on June 3rd.
Youneglected my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youbroke my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youabandoned my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youneglected my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youbroke my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youabandoned my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Monday, June 17th:
Sara, Youneglected the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youbroke the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youabandoned the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youneglected the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youbroke the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youabandoned the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youneglected my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youbroke my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youabandoned my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youneglected my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
You broke my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
You abandoned my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Idon'ttrust inyour therapeutic commitment to me anymore.
Idon'ttrustyou anymore.
You neglected me.
You broke me.
You abandoned me.
You keepbreaking your therapeutic commitments to me.
You keepabandoning your therapeutic commitments to me.
In less than 2 weeks you have broken and abandoned 2 therapeutic commitments you have made to me.
1st: On Wednesday, May 29th, you broke and abandoned your commitment to us having an e-mail relationship after you leave.
2nd: On Monday, June 10th, you broke and abandoned your commitment that we were definitely going to have our session on June 10th.
I don't trust in your commitment that you will be here on Wednesday, June 19th
at 10:00 a.m. Please call me when you get this to confirm our
appointment. If I don't get a phone call from you before 8:30 a.m. on
Wednesday, June 19th, then I will assume that we do not have an appointment.
Tuesday, June 18th:
I give you credit. A job, well done.
A therapeutic test, orchestrated quite well by you.
You intentionally made a therapeutic commitment to me knowing full
well that you would be on vacation for two weeks. You did this in order
to test my anxiety issues to the hilt. This test of yours shows that I
have a long way to go still. I know we only have 5 sessions left, but
can we begin again to work on the issues triggered?
You therapeutically triggered the big four issues in me: A. C. T. = A.
A= Abandonment
C= Commitment
T= Trust
A= Anxiety
I have been on anxiety overload from all this.
You intentionally abandoned your commitment to me creating anxious distrust toward your therapeutic commitment to me.
I still don't trust you. I still don't trust in your therapeutic commitment to me. I still feel abandoned by you.
I "ACTA"ed out last week due to the big four issues that you therapeutically triggered in me.
Tuesday, June 18th:
You were Irresponsibly Negligent for last week!
Irresponsibly Negligent Commitment:
On June 3rd, you knew you were going to be out of state on vacation before June 10th. It was irresponsible of you to make a definite commitment to me when you knew that you were going to be out of state on vacation before June 10th. It wasnegligent of you for not having said a word to me on June 3rd that you would be out of state on vacation before June 10th.
On June 3rd, it was irresponsibly negligent of you to make a definite commitment for June 10th knowing that you were relying on a third party (the airline) to keep your commitment to me.
On June 3rd, it was irresponsibly negligent of you for not making a tentative commitment for June 10th knowing that you were relying on a third party (the airline) to keep your commitment to me.
On June 3rd, the responsible thing for you to have done was to make a tentative commitment for June 10th knowing that you were relying on a third party (the airline) to keep your commitment to me.
On June 3rd, the responsible thing for you to have said was "I will be out of state on vacation for the next 2 weeks, but I
plan to be here for our session on June 10th. If I can't make it back in time, I will call you." You IRRESPONSIBLY NEGLECTED To Say This!
Irresponsibly Negligent Travel Planning:
It was irresponsibly negligent of you to have scheduled a flight back here for the same day that you had made a definite
commitment for. The responsible thing would have been to schedule a flight back here for the day before your definite commitment.
In Closing:
Due to your irresponsible negligence, you lost a session's pay from me. Due to your irresponsible negligence I am not
scheduling a make-up for that day.
In the future, such irresponsible negligence will
cost you dearly. With private sessions costing anywhere from $70 -
$100, most clients will do as I am doing, financially penalizing you
for your irresponsible negligence. With an average
day consisting of about 4 clients, that would be about a $280 - $400
loss. Since you did this for 2 days, that would be a loss of about $560
- $800. What an expensive vacation due to your own irresponsible negligence! Are you willing to risk this in the future?
Due to your irresponsible negligence, you've lost my trust in you.
Tuesday, June 18th: Youirresponsibly neglected the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly broke the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly abandoned the therapeutic commitment you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly neglected the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly broke the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly abandoned the promise you had madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly neglected my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly broke my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly abandoned my trust in the therapeutic commitment you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly neglected my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly broke my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Youirresponsibly abandoned my trust in the promise you madeto me on June 3rd.
Idon'ttrust inyour therapeutic commitment to me anymore.
Idon'ttrustyou anymore.
You irresponsibly neglected me.
You irresponsibly broke me.
You irresponsibly abandoned me.
You keep irresponsibly breaking your therapeutic commitments to me.
You keep irresponsibly abandoning your therapeutic commitments to me.
In less than 2 weeks you have broken and abandoned 2 therapeutic commitments you have made to me.
1st: On Wednesday, May 29th, you broke and abandoned your commitment to us having an e-mail relationship after you
leave.
2nd: On Monday, June 10th, you broke and abandoned your commitment that we were definitely going to have our session
on June 10th.
Thursday, June 20th:
You don't believe in being reliable.
You don't believe in being dependable.
You don't believe in being responsible.
You don't believe in being accountable.
You believe in playing "Russian Roulette" with my emotional well
being. You believe in playing "Russian Roulette" with our scheduled
appointments.
No therapist is reliable to their client.
No therapist is dependable to their client.
No therapist is responsible for their actions or words to their client.
No therapist is accountable for their actions or words to their client.
Nobody is reliable for commitments to others.
Nobody is dependable for commitments to others.
Nobody is responsible for their commitments to others.
Nobody is accountable for their commitments to others.
Thursday, June 20th:
In the past 8 years, I've been spoiled with a certain level of reliability and dependability in therapy.
In past 8 years, I've been spoiled with a certain level of
consistency, reliability, dependability, responsibility, and
accountability in my therapist.
I need a certain level of consistency, reliability, dependability, responsibility, and accountability in those in my life.
When the above isn't met, I erupt in an irrational chaos / anxiety
that harks back to the early 2 ½ - 3 year old chaos / anxiety still
lurking inside me from when my family unit totally deteriorated.
Tuesday, June 25th:
Thank you for saying "Yes" to me taking your photograph next week and
telling me that you were going to suggest it if I had not brought it up
first. I went out and bought a new camera just for the occasion. Since
there's not going to be any keeping in touch after you leave, your
photo will help me remember you. I'm really going to miss you. You
really mean a lot to me Sara. You've been an inspiration to me. You've
allowed me to grow. You've allowed me to express all my
feelings. I love you for that very much.
Friday, June 28th:
I spotted your truck at the mall yesterday evening. On my way from Dr.
May's group to the Social Anxiety Group, I stopped at the mall for a
mall walk. You were parked in the area that I normally park in. I
parked in the spot next to your truck. Didn't run into you though. Oh
well. No biggie. Always some other time. I'm proud of myself. I
actually feel that it's no big deal whether I run into you or not. I'm
glad you told me not to be afraid of running into in public. I'm glad
we ran into each other back on June 5th. You're not a "GOD" anymore, you're a human, you're my therapist Sara.
Monday, July 1st:
Sara,
This morning:
My weight is down from 215 to 210.
Memory= When my brother and I would spy on our sister getting
dressed or undressed, he would express to me his sexual desires for
her. I was between 4 and 7 years old.
This past week:
My emotions have been in turmoil this week.
Last week I had a feeling. I was afraid to share it. This week, I
remembered. One of my baby sitters not only fondled me and had me
fondle her, but she encouraged us to have intercourse. A 41/2 year old
boy having intercourse with an adult woman.
You seem to have forgotten that I have BPD. Your treatment of me in
the last 6 months has been a negative to my BPD. You and I are both
guilty of major "therapy interfering behaviors". You seem to have
applied half the strategy as indicated for DBT (Dialectical Behavior
Therapy). My BPD escalated out of control this past week. My BPD
behaviors escalated extremely out of control this week.
A major trigger is your total abandonment of me in 4 weeks from
now. Never, ever to communicate with you again. You're abandoning me
just as my sister did so long ago. My pain from then has been massively
triggered. You're my sister. I feel as attached to you as I was to my
sister. My sister was in reality a half sister just as my brother is
really my half brother, both from my fathers first marriage. You're
abandoning me after you leave just as Pam did. Our sibling relationship
forever killed off. Not the thing to do to someone whose been abandoned
like this in childhood. Not the thing to do with someone with BPD as
severe as mine. You're supposed to be a positive role model for change,
not someone who reinforces the dysfunctional concepts developed in
childhood. You're supposed to be helping me change the dysfunctional
concepts developed in childhood, not reinforce them. Sibling
relationships aren't supposed to end forever. They change, they mutate,
but they aren't supposed to end forever. You are forever abandoning me
after you leave. I have not begun to completely feel this. It's been
hitting me in waves. I can't control myself. I am out of control. I'm
losing you forever. I'm losing my sister all over again. I need you. I
still feel attached to you as my sister. I developed a strong sibling
attachment to you early on. You are breaking that attachment. I'm not
ready for it to be broken like this. I need you. I need your help
coping with this extreme distress. I can't cope with it.
You're supposed to be nurturing. You're supposed to be consoling.
Where is your nurturing and consoling? I need you to hold me. Put a
hand on my shoulder. I need touch from you. I am in a lot of emotional
pain and you're being too distant.
In the past 6 months, you've drastically pulled away from me. Our
relationship has died. No pat on the back for a session well done.
You've become cold. You've been trying to break my attachment to you.
You keep saying things that should not be said to a person with BPD. No
validation for the feelings that you triggered. No acceptance of the
role you had in these feelings. Blaming it on me. Blaming me of being
manipulative when I was trying to repair damage to our sibling
relationship caused by your actions and my reactions.
You've become cold. Our warm, intimate sibling relationship that
began to develop early on turned forever into a cold professional
interaction.
Monday, July 1st continued:
My trusts in you have vanished. You became unreliable. I fear that you
won't find a replacement therapist before you leave. You should have
began looking for her at least 3 months ago. I fear that DU will
abandon me if you don't find your replacement before you leave.
We have never worked on the coping skills for the extreme escalation of my BPD.
As part of my BPD, my anxieties escalated extremely out of control. My depression out of control.
Tuesday, July 2nd - Sunday, July 7th: For Monday, July 8th:
On July 1st,
I was hurt when my trust in you and your word to me was violated yet
again. The violation of my trust in you hurt me financially this time,
as well as emotionally.
On June 24th we established a plan for me to bring in a
camera and take a photo of you for my therapist photo album. We both
had come up with the same idea independently of each other. You told me
that you were going to suggest it yourself had I not brought it up
first. I trusted you Sara. I trusted that my trust in you would not be
violated again. I trusted that your word to me would not be violated
again. I trusted that our established plan would not be violated. I
trusted in you and your word to me to the point of having gone out on
June 25th and purchased a new camera just for the occasion.
The camera cost me $20.00. My trust in you was worth $20.00 to me. My
trust in you is priceless to me. Your word to me was worth $20.00 to
me. Your word to me is priceless to me. Our established plan was worth
$20.00 to me. Our established plan is priceless to me. My trust in you
and your word to me cost me $20.00. It could have cost a whole lot more
if I had the funds available<I would have gotten a good $400.00+ SLR
35mm camera>. I spent $20.00 on our established plan<I could have
spent a lot more if I had the funds available>. I paid good money to
fulfil my part in our plan. Sara, the best thing for you to
do is honor my trust in you and keep your word to me by allowing me to
take a photo of you here in the therapy room. I trust you'll do the
right thing. I trust you won't let me down today. I trust that you'll
allow me to take a photo of you here in the therapy room. I trust you
Sara. I always have and always will. I've said I don't, but I do. I
need a photo of you sitting in your therapy chair as well as the one I
already took.
It's wrong for your supervisor to get between us and our
relationship. It's wrong for your supervisor to destroy my trust in
you, your word to me and our established plan with only 2 sessions
remaining. It's wrong for your supervisor to advise you to violate my
trust in you and violate your word to me. You're a psychologist. Don't
you see what he's doing to you and me? It's as plain as day. Look at
what he keeps advising you to do with every plan that you make with me.
He keeps advising you to violate my trusts in you and withdraw every
plan you make with me. He keeps screwing around with your reputation.
He keeps giving you advise that continuously destroys your reputation
for being trustworthy. He needs to bud out of this. It's time for you
to stop allowing your supervisor to control you and your boundaries
with me. It's time for you to stop second guessing your boundaries with
me. It's time that you begin trusting in your well established
therapeutic boundaries. Your therapeutic boundaries are solid and sound
(don't let anybody tell you different). They have been for quite a long
time. You just haven't trusted in them to this point. Trust in what
you've learned, and feel, to be right. You keep telling me that you're
just a student. It's time for you to start believing that you're an
intern, not just a student, with just a year away from achieving your
Psy. D. at which time you can apply for your license.
You made it clear that you don't agree with your supervisor when it
comes to his objection of our plan for me to take a photo of you. You
made it clear that it is futile for you to try to argue with him on it.
Your supervisor's objection is duly noted. We know that his reason for
objecting is absurd. Your fear of going against his objection due to
the fact that you are working under his license is duly noted. You've
said that I am good at passive resistance. I ask that you trust in me.
I ask that you to trust in my passive resistance for today. I ask that
you sit back and do nothing but voice your objections while I
take a photo of you. You know I would never go posting your picture on
the Net. You said so last week.
I want us to part, on July 22nd, trusting each other.
Tuesday, July 9th:
Evening:
Over the course of last week, since you had claimed that it was your
supervisor who killed our plan for me to take a photo of her for my
therapist photo album, I decided I would take matters into my own
hands. Since you could not stand up to your supervisor, I would stand
up to him and keep to our plan anyway and take a candid camera shot of
you when you came out to the waiting room to get me.
On Monday, you had to cancel our appointment. We rescheduled our
appointment for Tuesday. I told you that I had a surprise candid plan
for when you come out to get me. I told you it involved something that
I had brought in the previous week but chose not to use.
Today, I had the camera in hand but realized I could not take any
candid shot of you. It would violate your trust in me. I would just
pretend to use it. This to show my intent only. I'm now in trouble with
Dr. May for you got Amar to intervene and he told Dr. May.
In our therapy meeting, you changed your story in it's entirety from that of last week.
You said that you guess that you didn't make yourself clear on the matter last week.
Now you claim that it was a consensus of the whole supervisory
group, including yourself, that there is a "sliver of a possibility"
that one day, if I have a photo of you, I might post it on the web due
to my sexual deviant behavior of the past. You have a "sliver" of
distrust in me where as I have implicit trust in you.
You distrust me with a photo of you for my therapist photo album.
Yet you trusted the world with a full page photo of you in some biker
magazine from a year ago (see attached). I received a photocopy of the
page from an acquaintance of mine.
This makes no sense to me whatsoever. You can trust the world with
a full page photo, but you don't trust me with a photo for my photo
album.
When I got home, I called Dr. May. I left a message asking him to
view copies of the session tapes between you and me. I asked him to
view the tapes from June 24th, July 1st, and July 9th. I believe that the best way for him to get to the truth of this whole thing is to get it from an unbias source.
Thursday, July 11th:
It hurts Sara. It really hurts. I'm not angry. I feel sad. I feel let
down. It hurts to know that you don't trust in me and my word to you.
It hurts that you have a "sliver of distrust" in my word to you when I
trust in you and your word to me. You distrust me having a photo of you
for my photo album for you believe that there is a "sliver of a chance"
that I might post it on the Net someday. You said that you would like
to believe me, but that there is always that "sliver of a chance" that
someday I might. You don't trust my word that I would never do such a
thing. You don't trust in me or my word to you. Yet you trusted the
nation with a full page photo of you in some biker magazine a year ago
(see attached). I received a photocopy of the page from an acquaintance
of mine.
Friday, July 12th:
Thursday, before group, gave Dr. May the picture and Thursdays writing.
He has accused me of having had to found out about the magazine picture
in other ways.
Monday, July 15th:
Had very upsetting session with Sara today.
Frst: I have been ousted from DU. She says that my needs for
reliability and consistency are greater than a student therapist can
provide. My needs were too much for her and them. She says I'm welcome
to come back when my needs aren't so great. I fealt myself become very
depressed.
Second: Dr. May told Sara about the picture. She would not believe
the truth. She sat there and told me "BS. I know what you did. You're
afraid to admit it. Our relationship is based on honesty." I realized
what she was accusing me of. She was accusing me of having had to
window peep on her residence. I further realized that arguing with her
would be futile, especially in the depressed state that I was in. So I
told her what she was willing to believe. She then told me that she
believed that it had to have happened while she was out of town back
during the week of June 10th.
Sara told me that she felt scared, hurt, that she doesn't feel safe
in her own house. I wish she could have believed the truth, but she
says in order to believe one must have trust and that she no longer
trusts me. That hurts allot. She further said that we would have our
last session on the 22nd if her supervisory group will allow it.
Tuesday, July 16th:
An axe has obliterated our relationship. Dawn has forbidden me from seeing Sara for our last session on July 22nd. Over the course of the last 6 months, my feelings toward Sara became too close.
Thursday, July 18th:
Had group today. I've been thrown out of group. I was accused of
keeping secrets for not discussing with them the issues I discussed in
the Privacy of my Individual Therapy with Sara since January. I was
told long ago by Dr. Gomez that I didn't have to share the issues with
group and group was told this too. Furthermore, back in January I came
to the conclusion that I couldn't trust the group for they had no
understanding of the nature of my Individual Therapy. They applied
group standards and rules in an Individual Therapy that they had no
understanding of. The group members thought that the Individual Therapy
I was in was "Specific Issue" therapy. They think all therapy is
"specific issue" based just as the group is "specific issue" based.
They along with Dawn (for Dawn was there today) further accused me of
victimizing Sara all thru-out my Journal for Dawn had requested on
Tuesday that I bring my Journal into group today. Dawn actually made
the claim that she was "afraid" for Sara. It is very clear that neither
group nor Dawn understand or are comfortable with Obeject Relations
Therapy / Transferance Based therapy.
The End!!!
Update 2009:
I finally found the right therapy with the right therapists. I found a Psyciatrist.
I am on the right combination of medications that have evened out my mood swings (Clonazepam, Abilify, and
Citalopram). Life has gotten better for me although working for a living is still out of the question
by my Psychologist.